firstly, i'm really sorry for what i've brought to you once again. the unhappiness and disappointment. but i really didn't know. i thought you would understand coz i thought i heard you say i've no choice but to go back to badminton. i had no cca on the line then.

i know you were willing to give up smth for me and i were to do the same. and i am willing to. however, i'm in this already and i'm finding ways to get outta this. i don't know what to do. you know. it just hurts so much whenever you say tt both of us just don't cherish each other anymore. coz tt's not true at all. i know i do. and as much as i can, i give in to you and do whatever it takes to make you happy and push anything away to make time for both of us. just to spend time together. i treasure every moment i spend with you, everything i do with you. but for you to say that we don't cherish each other anymore jus breaks my heart. all i want is you, the one i love deep down, to feel cherished and cared for, as well as to see you happy once again.

many ppl told me i'll regret it one day shld i keep giving in to him as he isn't one tt treats me well. i keep hearing tt from so many ppl, even mumi. perhaps they're right, or maybe they just don't understand how much i'm willing to do for you, because i love you. and regardless of what others say, which i know you dun care, i'm still here with you. and i'll always be. i jus wanna let you know that i've never taken you for granted and that i appreciate every little thing, even looking up the net for the one-star course or helping me massage and relieve the stress in me for a while, or even looking back into bus 913 after i get on the bus everytime. i've never asked or expected for more. other girls have the privilege of being sent home every now and then, receive surprises and gifts once in a while. i've never even expected for all those. coz i understand that you're much too busy and stressed over other stuff. i know.

but you jus keep thinking that i'm some retarded girl who doesn't 'use her brains' and who just keeps taking you for granted and someone who doesn't understand you. IT'S REALLY HURTING ME. once again, i'm the one in the wrong. the one who doesn't know how to give in, the one who's asking for all this damn shit. dear diary, i'm always in the wrong! WHY? HAVE I DONE NOTHING RIGHT THAT DESERVES HIS LOVE AND APPRECIATION? time and again, i ask myself- why do i keep taking you back when you've hurt me so much to the point that the wound is so deep it could never heal? Why?? please. i don't expect anything. i just want you to know that i do cherish you and you're someone who will always be special to me. someone whom i'll never give up fighting for. the words i said to you- i love you- carry a deep and special meaning and not words that are said just for the sake of that moment. those words mean forever. say it like you mean it to be a lifetime. i can tell you that i'll love you, no matter what it takes and how things turn out to be in future. but are you able to do the same? are you?

no matter what you did-anything and everything- i've never once walked out on you, though you did countless times. my mind tells me i should, as i clearly didn't need to go through all the hurt and pain. but my heart stops me so. i just couldn't bring myself to walk out depsite countless times of you asking me to. and regardless of the sudden blows i received from you. all i could do was to stand there in silence and wait for you to vent everything. until you were back to the pwiince vince i used to know. until i'm back in your arms again.

have you ever wondered. have you ever thought of what i do, what happens or what goes on in my mind during the 1hr trip home from your house everytime? sometimes, i just wish and hope and carry on wishing that... i don't know. some miracle would happen and you'd do smth that would surprise me and make me feel that you're not taking the 1hr ride home for granted. as if the 1hr trip is like a normal routine to me, that it doesn't matter to me at all. tt it's like smth i'm expected to do. please don't say that i'm the one who choose to go over to your house. No i certainly don't mind going over now, tmr, or anytime.

whenever i go to his house and sees his table almost empty, it reminds me of all the lil things i gave him that have been torn apart and shredded into pieces and never to be seen again. it does upset me alot. it does. but i can't let him know as he'll say that i asked for it. that it was me who pushed him to the limit to do such a thing. oh how much it hurts... the glass, the card, the lil book, the letter, the shoe bag... everything. those aren't just phsyical objects! each and every one of them represent my love and thoughts of you. i went from shop to shop in America, with just YOU in mind. to get you something nice. smth that'll remind you of me when you look at it. the letters and cards aren't just leisure writing for your information. i took the effort and hours of time to get them done, hoping that they'll brighten your day. BUT did they? i guess they never did.

last but not least, ever since this morning, i wanted to thank you for making the choice of giving fencing up and to join canoeing with me. and i'm really glad tt you were willing to come up with that solution, as the best cca is still one that's with you. esp when you kept bringing it up and even suggesting to search and go for the one-star course by ourselves. i was really touched and happy when i saw how much it really meant to you. speak to me nicely please. let me know when you're unhappy. don't snap at me. don't ignore me. don't be cold to me. don't give me that rough treatment. don't push me around-literally.

i've had a lil too much too say. but at least i've said it all. not tt anyone will read anw. shooo. (:

"I've been the fool, the fool for you.
Haven't I been the fool? I've become so selfless that whatever I do, all I can think about is you & for your good. I want the best for you. I agree that I've been selfish about some issues but you know what? I still let you have what you desire. Perhaps this isn't the way to handle this but I would rather get locked up inside than losing you. Simply because, I love you more than anyone else."
Chemistry cannot explain this burning I feel inside.
You've catalyzed a titration that nebulized my mind.

wells. to all free and single souls out there, yes being a swinging single is fun but being attached is ten times better. sacrificing your freedom for someone who really and truly loves you is nothing. in fact, if you truly love him, you wont feel a thing at all. you would just want to be with him every second of the day, you cant help breaking out into a smile at the mere thought of him and you wouldn't mind giving your all to him. yeah thats love alright. let's face it, at the end of the day, everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants a shoulder that they can cry on, someone who'll always be there for them rain or shine, someone who'll support them no matter what. no one wants to be abandoned, left on the shelf to rot. the world could always use a little love. after all, love does make the world go round.

• Though it's the hardest thing to say, I'll miss your love in every way
• If it be love indeed, light the path for us. I pray.

dear diary, he said it 5times to me today! he did. :) and i know he meant it. then. there were many actions and things he said that made me feel really good today. just by staying close to me throughout the day, from macs to his house, just makes me feel really warm. :)) (though i wasn't exactly wearing alot today. ok tt sounds wrong) nitey nite and sweet dreams! snuggle sunggle.s!