i don't know how to feel, to react, to respond
when i know that he'll be gone.
i don't know when
i don't know how
i don't know why
but i know for sure
that he has lost it all.
everything that he has said
everything that he promised
everything we agreed
to work things out
to stay together till the very end
are gone. gone. gone.
and never to be fulfilled.

dear dear diary,
even his fren from his cls could tell me "i still feel that he should treat you better." Sometimes I just ask myself and start wondering- why do i still hold so much love for this particular guy when he has given me so much hurt and pain? oh wells. maybe the reason is simple. that i just. love him. i know i may probably be in self-denial, that he loves me and he cares. just that he doesn't show it. i told myself that many many many countless times since a mth after we started. which means it has been 3months since i started this self-assurance thingy. dear diary, i really don't know. i really don't. if he loves me, he would CARE and not treat me this way. Only having me with him when he wants it. As and when he likes it. I don't get it. Don't play with me. Love me truthfully. Love me like how you wanna be with me. Love me like how you did 4mths ago.

If you wanna move on, go ahead. I won't say anything. Just inform me. I'll wish you goodbye with sincerity.
After what happened today, I'm sure you're feeling worse coz after all, claire appeals to you more than I do. You may have regretted being with me 4mths ago but feel that you can't walk out right now. However, it's alrite. I'd rather you walk out now and be happy with someone else than seeing you so unhappy being with me. Don't say I'm making assumptions. Coz when I asked you honestly, you weren't even able to tell me who's the special one to you. Just don't hurt me. Don't.

i'm feeling really weak and hopeless now. physically and mentally. Stop it debbie. Stop feeling this way. Just let it go. Don't apply self-destruction onto yourself.
I'M STRONG.