firz daee=)

2007-04-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Physics SPA.
Chem test.
Chem SPA. friendlymatch.
Econs test + PW grades. friendlymatch.

what a week.

pfffft. :/

2007-04-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

I hate it; I just hate it when people are able to get to me, alter my mood and decisions.
Perhaps -somepeople- are placed for a reason, while some are just random.

and you're just not the one.

National Juniors!

2007-04-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

April fools day started off with a joke from him in the middle of the night when i was alr halfway into dreamland. So apparently, i fell for it. :/ hahh. Yes and i tried to pull a fast one back in the morning, but i failed. ha. "no comp."

:DDD

That's three big smileys for all the 3 races for the past two days. And before i go on,
to nat: WE DID IT! triple yayys! the whole experience was worth it :))

I just feel that after this whole competition and the few races, i start to feel something stronger for canoeing, something i never felt for the past year. yepp so that's just to be honest. There's just much more motivation now than before! :) It started off pretty shaky but we managed to steer it in the right direction. The team did pretty well in conclusion for the past 2 days. And to those who didn't compete this time round- thankyou so much. we owe it all to your cheering, support and undivided attention. It was what kept me going at the last 250m! Though it was very exhausting, the jokes, food, company and all made the whole weekend something to remember :) I'm just glad everyone put in their best this time!

k1!

wheees. And special thanks to you- for bringing lunch and being there. (right at the start line) :)) It was a pleasant [april fools] surprise! choco bread, 100plus, and a croissant. =DD

the motivation in my bag :)

2007-03-22T08:15:00.001-07:00

i'm sorry, brother.

2007-02-24T07:16:00.001-08:00

The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

2007-02-22T08:11:00.000-08:00

the 23rd.
memories.

2007-02-18T02:29:00.000-08:00

everytime we're near i feel like i'm in heaven.

:)

2007-02-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

A call at 2.45am made me smile. =) Another call at 3.20am made me smile more. =)) A smile which i haven't had for (a long) time.
It was silent because it was all felt, then. You always do. always do. :)

V day wasn't the same and wasn't as nice as it was spent there.
Then again, maybe it's just me. Me and my perception of everything. Of the pressure of being someone i'm probably not. Of someone nicer when i'm just not.

It's just not enough. never enough, maybe.

I tried. I try.

and i'll just continue trying.

wheeee.

2007-02-12T04:50:00.000-08:00

haha. the way the little girl who exclaimed was just so super uber cuteeee :DD and it's still replaying in my head, since sunday. hahh

Ohyes. Cross country on last wed was grrrreat :D Was glad wanching and the rest of the team was there for me when i was so on the edge of slowing down and losing my determination as my abdomen was hurting badly. Heard stacy pushing me and that was when i felt the urge to push and go all the way. Managed to do quite well in the end. =) yayys. was just glad all of us, canoeing girls, did our best!

Vday's just 2days awayy! Ahhh i'll have to rush a batch of cookies right after i come back from training tmr! Hopefully, i'll get them done on time :)

With tests and more tests done and round the corner, i only get more demoralised with each passing week. The weekends and nights are spent getting back my confidence and motivating myself. Let's just see how long more debbie can hold.

i like it when you tell me you'll try and you really try.
that's what i call, love.

2007-02-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

sorry keewei.

yepp i guess i should really start to be more decisive and selfless.

2007-01-28T05:30:00.000-08:00

My friends, what have you ppl been doing for the weekend?

bahh. It's time to get down and do some work debbie!
- Physics tutorial
- Chem arenes
- Chem SPA!
RAHH. And now, i've 2 hours to work on chem tutorial. Tell me i can do it!

CIP at the White Cane Club was meaningful and enjoyable. :)
Helped in the recording of reading of newspaper articles for the visually handicapped. Something that i enjoyed doing and knowing that i'm helping ppl. Yayys. and only both of us helped out in the library while the rest cleaned up the storeroom.
Good job, ppl! =D

what can i say?
debbie's happy today. Happy.
long endless bus rides. it was worth it.

two words.
:))

2007-01-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it,
well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Hello friends :)
How's sch getting along for you ppl? bahhh. School's all about training and tutorials nowadays. It's probably turning into some routine already, with no time to waste. However, i'm still in debbieland and somehow seem to be taking my own sweet time like i'm not taking my As this year. :/ RAHH it's time i focus.

focus...

hocus pocus. poof/

i'm outta debbieland, i hope.

is it too late? it's up to me.

2007-01-20T07:20:00.000-08:00

"my bottom hurts from sitting on the fence too much." :/ So it's time to make a choice and get up. :(

Argh. debbie, when will you ever learn to be decisive?
From deciding on my future university plans and courses to deciding on what i really want peronally for the best for myself, or even deciding on miscellaneous stuff like which bag/food/colour/clothes to pick.

blehh.

Hmm. Looking through the requirements for a particular uni. searched for available scholarships... (yes i know, for debbie to get a scholarship is akin to the sun rising from the west.) =/ Just felt that i had to search for a sense of purpose and find a source of motivation for this year. If not, i'm never gonna be able to push myself hard... "Go debbie, go!" RAHH

Training today was quite tiring, since i didn't get enough rest last night. I actually woke up at 6 and panicked, thinking that i was gonna be late for school. but realised i set the alarm at 6 for another reason... Still managed to give my best for training and the 2 consecutive timings made it more strenous, but it was gooood training. :) The warm-up run was one of the best runs we ever had since quite some time back. Hmm. gotta learn to kick when rowing k1! keep stable. stable. stable. Stability.

On a lighter note, i learned how to fold paper cranes today! :) Many thanks to you, my new friend :) Yayys we managed to complete all of them after like, 3hrs? =D

one paper crane = one bowl of rice for the less fortunate.

and realised that origami in a peaceful, quiet and small lil place of your own, thoughts start coming to your mind, but it doesn't get tt horrible, coz you're also concentrating on the task at hand. Thus, as i folded the countless cranes today with some peace and quiet and a friend beside me, it made me feel a lil better, as i sorted things out and found peace and solace in myself :)

you and i contributed. a plasticbag full of paper cranes. in the name of charity.
hmm. paper cranes. peace and quiet. =)

2007-01-18T06:28:00.000-08:00

There're so many things going on in my mind now. And i think i wasted the most time since last week. which is a GOOD thing, i think. Coz i felt that i really needed a break. Was already half dead during chem prac period.

Exhausted was the word.
:(

didn't go for training as the rain poured ever so loudly and nobody else went i think. boooo. moody+wet day.

fish&co at wheelock! It was the most relaxing and destressing break so far. Thanks! :)

a candy floss close to my heart
i was just a catalyst used to make the healing process faster and much easier for you.

2007-01-17T06:21:00.000-08:00

AHHH yesyes. I'm still here, my friends! =)
hmm. so many things have been happening since the last time i updated. Shan't go on about everything lest you ppl fall asleep. :/

For now, it's training training and more trainingsss! yikesie.
Row row and more rowing.
Oh yes the j1s are quite enthu and fit :D Yayys. Just hoping they'll stay on after the next few trainings. wna bonddd more with them to make them feel more in the team so that they'd stay, but how to. :/

Had our combined land training today with the j1s. bahhh. Felt like our fitness level dropped a little, after such a loooonnggg time since we did circuits, grand stand, relays, long runs in the sun, and pull-ups. But YAYYS. We managed to complete everything and still felt umm, alive.
And it was great being having Wan Ching as my partner during the whole training :))
Ooh. The best part was when we were playing touch rugby! Whees. And it just brought me back to SSC. ahhh, such fun and great times. =) And touch rugby was one of the games that we mastered. was a wee bit excited when they mentioned touch rugby. hahh. However, it was such a huge group and so most of us hardly got to pass the ball. Moreover, the guys were the strongest players so they were the ones who were mostly in possession of the ball. Arghh.
Anyhow, it was so much fun! haha. Edward and his 'touchdown'! Was laughing so hard when everything happened. haha. And the guys wouldn't stop playing even when all of us (the girls) insisted on ending the game.
Wheees. We'll play it the next time again again!
and this time, we'll split it evenly! hmph.so the girls will get a chance to play too.

Another happy happy happy thing that made debbie's day (d-day!) was that we got to play BADX for PE!! Now how cool is that. It was great, awesome, fantastic, perfect. :D:D it was it was! But i missed my racket. booboos. And was told that the there'd only be four lessons. So, only three more to go. Hmm play more play moreeee. More, please. but it was fun :)

And yes, if it were to reopen, i think i'd want to join the team. But i can't, not now. Not when i'm in smth else alr. It's ok, i seem to love the canoeing team more now. (:

Horrible horrible mathsie lesson. sighh. Just can't seem to figure out what mr ho's thinking sometimes. rather scary. :/ We shall all just keep quiet and do our work the next time... and poor lf had to be scolded for the whole half hr. arhhh.

I broke 14! and passed the last red buoy with a total time of 13.52 :D whoopies! debdeb's happyyy. :))

What is it in school that i live for?

2006-12-29T08:48:00.000-08:00

How do you know when you’re living your purpose? When your present moments begin to feel perfect.

When you live on purpose, your relationship with time changes dramatically.
You’ll no longer be looking for happiness somewhere in the future. You’ll stop saying to yourself, “Once X happens then I’ll be where I want to be. Then I’ll be happy.”
Instead you will look to your present and say, “This is exactly where I want to be right now… and nowhere else. Nothing could be more perfect than this precise moment.”

The emotion that accompanies this state is joy. Joy results from total acceptance of your present moment. Whenever you project your consciousness away from the present moment and seek happiness in another time or place, you leave joy behind. When all parts of your being fully embrace where you are right now, you can’t help but feel joyful.

2006-11-19T07:21:00.000-08:00

I'm back!
from my 3d2n stay at Shangri-La. yeah it's the one here. right here in spore.
But STILL, it was such a nice and enjoyable stay. The service there was good, the location there was perfect, the rooms there were just so nice. Reached there after training on friday and had the best and most relaxing bath ever. Woots. Just soaked there in the bathtub for a long time and at the same time, enjoying while watching tv in the bathroom. There's a TELEVISION in the bathroom! I know i know. I sound like a noob but owells. It was my first time seeing a tv in a bathroom, like right in front of the bathtub. And the carpets in the lift- they actually change them every day. ie. On a sunday, the carpet would show 'Sunday' and yeah. so on. The staff there are like friendly? And we got to enjoy complimentary drinks and canopies. And i got to try more cocktails.
These are just some of the photos taken in the room itself.

Look! there're like 2 shower hoses.

(from left to right) Fruit punch, apple juice, apple gin.

2006-11-07T05:30:00.000-08:00

"I was so mad I called XXX a bastard, though I didn't say it out loud. I just called XXX bastard in my heart. and then i called myself a bitch. because i believe that when you scold someone else, even in your heart, you're pretty much the same."

I agree.

2006-11-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Q7yK4XS-1M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnu-deyIqbo

2006-10-23T05:36:00.000-07:00

tired tired tired.
Shouldn't be feeling this way now but somehow or rather, i managed to get myself exhausted though i ain't spending all my time and effort and energy on mugging.
what's wrong with me?
alrite. So maybe chinese As are round the corner and OP is due like, this wk
but i'm still taking my timeeee.
AHHH this is bad.
had better get down to work soon. (and i mean very soon)
PW and CHINESE.

yeeeww.

Yayys. much love to JERI and all the girls! =D

2006-10-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

The difference between school and life?
in school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
in life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. happiness never decreases by being shared.

2006-10-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

now that i've found you,
stay.

:)

2006-10-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

Singles tricks shot!
it's like sosososo coooool.
rarely see players doing it.
but the tricks are JUST SO COOL. (((:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8IFeLHz-eQ

LIN DAN vs LEE CW
(yeeww. i do not like LEE CW)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJp2mkeAtvk&mode=related&search=

2006-10-08T03:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes, you just wish that you can do anything you want and have all the time in the world.

looking out, the haze has seem to cleared alot.
ok tt was random.
was jus gazing outta the window...

most of the times, you just feel like breaking free and telling the world- Leave Me Alone.

__ thanks a bunch for being there.

2006-10-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, or simply say something that puts a smile to your face, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

2006-09-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

arghh.
so lazy to update...
finally, promos is over
but there's still the annoying H1 paper.
ECONS!
ahhhhh don't feel like mugging that hard anymore
don't think i would.
just hope results would be 'pleasant'.
really grateful to my frens like joel jov and yc.
if not for them, i wouldn't hav studied tt much.
blehh

Sometimes
i think miscommunication
is better than
no communication.
wells
tt's what's happening now.
gotta talk.talk.talk.

post-promo plans!
wheees.
sad thing's that frens are all still having exams.
arghh.

i sooo wanna watch Red Giselle!
but there's nobody to watch it with. booboo. :(
and gotta get tix soon!
ahhhh.

mine! ((:

2006-09-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

one thing i like about LOST is its setting. the landscape especially.
okay this is random.

yayyys.
took a break off intense MUGGING for half a day.
watched The Host at the grand cathay!

oops. i can hear mumi at the background alr.
update nx time!

2006-09-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.

I realised too, that you can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

i seem to be running away from the reality. the fact. that i've to face sooner or later.

booboo.
joce wasn't feeling well today.
supposed to be a day out with her but she's down with a fever. =(
get well soooon girl!
after promos yea (:

tight hugs.

everything that happened-
was it all but a sweet dream, a fantasy?
tell me it isn't so.

i think i'm gonna give it all up...
-lost-

2006-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

and oh.
smth tt i wanted to share.
was studying at the library today at the first level near the children's section
and as usual,
little kids were jumping and running about and laughing ever so innocently
and there was this particular lil boy whose eyes are so small (and so chubby dubby i tell you!)
so yeah he was giggling and talking rather loudly with excitement when his mum shush-ed him and said even louder in a seemingly strict tone,

"don't talk so loudly arh. later the man call the police catch you go to jail."

then both me and my fren started laughing though had to stifle it. but it was funny!
like thinking this's the way we were told when we were young.
ahhh, the innocence of lil children.

it's only recently that i realised i'm still learning. learning to see things and matters in a more mature perspective as i grow. and after everything that has happened, comprehension dawned on me... that sometimes, i can't expect everything to be spelled out and laid nicely in front of me. that i've to see things beyond what is said and shown. but sometimes, so many possibilities come to me that i start to get frightened. and that's when fear encapsulates me.
i don't know what i'm so afraid of. maybe the future. or perhaps the present. afraid that things would take a turn for the worst with every second that passes. i need security. i need assurance. i need to find the courage and faith tt i had. and just when i thought i did, i was wrong.

THERE. Finally. i got it out.

i wanna be happy.
knowing that you are makes me.
but i guess it doesn't matter at all.
and i've no idea what i'm ranting on about anw.
bye.

2006-09-05T05:32:00.000-07:00

gee. it's been like days. no wks. since i updated.
what am i doing online now anw. i don't know.

a friend is someone who understands your past,
believes in your future,
and accepts you just the way you are.
sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out,
but to see who cares enough to break them down.

i'm at a loss. at what's happening.

2006-08-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

sheares run today.
and the worst part was tt it rained so heavily after the 6km mark.
army guys were making noise.
but overall, it was a gd run!

finally! k1!!
wheeee :DD
but i had a price to pay.
blehh. cuts from barnacles and stones all over.
ouch.

lunch on sat was niceee. brownies too! ((:
and a new studying spot was discovered.!
it's like one of the best places to study with no distractions or whatsoever...
except for the construction work on tt day. =/
but still. nice place. =)
ahhhh. and i was so worried.
glad it's fine now.

all hail promos.
and worship your tys.

2006-08-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

promos in another 25days' time.
which leaves me with abt 6days/subject.
cooool.
ahhhhhH.
keep going everyone! :)

and oh oh!
there're so many nice movies to catch OUT OF THE SUDDEN.
JUST when the promos are near.
arghh.

and it's time to hit the books again.
*groans.

2006-08-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

i wish i could make myself not think about it.
about how it would be like
how it would feel like
how i would act
how i would feel
how it could be
how it would be
how life will be
how happy
or sad
or whatever i will feel

if i was with you.
or if i was not.

2006-08-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

run run run.
team run!
yayyy.
great fantastic run with the girls today!
all the way to macritchie, ran the route there, and back to cj.
all in preparation for next sunday's marathon.
hope wanching, suemaine and mandi will get well soon!
all the girls did a great job! =D yayyyy.

wait.
smth baaaaad happened early in the morning in school.
arghh maths maths maths made me forget pull ups!
omg.
and i felt so awfully horrible.
rmbed it when i saw wanching. booboo.
and and. pe made it WORSE.
eeee. but it's just a game right. what's wrong with me.

maths test went well...
but as usual, mind was in a whirl while i was working on the MI qn.
missed out the whole step.
it was too late when i realised it.
glad tt i can finally catch up!

wheeee.
kinder surprise surprise :))
my day will never be complete without you.
your smile's all that matters.

happyhappy. =)

2006-08-16T06:07:00.000-07:00

today's training was one of the best.
and it was coz of the few minutes when i was in the k boats!
wheee.
it was a long-awaited day. hahh.
k-2 with mel was fun!
and mel was so nice. partnered with every girl as we got a chance to try out the k-2. (:
k-1 was more difficult of course.
but it was fun and liked it moreee. k1 rocks!
loves it. =D

feeling really down and moody.
gonna leave things the way it's meant to be.
and hey. i really don't wish things to end this way.
i just don't think a friendship is to be lost this way.
i just hope time will tell.
and that there's affinity...

get me into the momentum to study pls!

you are the reason i wake up every morning with a smile =)

2006-08-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

booboo.
firstly, couldn't even breathe when i woke up today.
and had to miss training!!
hope suemaine and wc are alrite after ytd's trng...

secondly...
missed the last day of fireworks!
bro didnt wanna go so mumi didn't allow me to. =(
ohwells.
there's still next yr. rite?

wheee.
finally met up with daryl on thurs!
ppl, catch The Ant Bully.
it's so cute and funny, really.
esp when the ants come up with those diff expressions.
so cutee!
okie and managed to studyyy.
had my MATHS done. hahah finally.

_____________________
yayyy.
and dinner was grrreat.
thanks. =)
followed by the whole evening.
talked. and had red ants biting all over!
hahh. but he had more bites than i did.
ouch-
managed to clear everything i had within me.
and things turned out fine ((:
wheeee.

oh. and yes. the best fish and chips in town (:

hope history won't repeat itself.
that it wouldn't be just a momentary thing.
i'm afraid.
but i dun think i'll let go.
i'll always be here.

so many things to say
but there're so few ways i can express myself.
jus glad tt things are alrite (:

and for now, i'll cross my fingers!

ahhhH. 5 more weeeeeeks to PROMOS.
where's my MOTIVATION?!
but debbie's NOT gonna fail promos.
jiayou everyone!

2006-08-07T08:10:00.001-07:00

yayyy.
double whammy tmr.
gonna walk all the way from cj to macritchie... which reminds me of canoeing! ahah.
and after which, it's pri sch gathering!
wheeee. it's been so long and we're finally meeting up again. (:
meeting at mdm toh's place.
can't wait to see wenny and everyone!
miss 6B`01! ((:

oh. i'll probably be going for ap!
yayyys.
wanna see how it's like and all.
or maybe to go down to sham's dance studio to give some support!
ahhhh.
i'm torn in btwn

and the last thing to look forward to.
fireworks.! =D
it's all that keeps me going.
it's all that makes me happy.

smiles
smiles
and more smileys.
(((:

2006-08-06T02:30:00.000-07:00

it was naughty NATALIE's birthday ytd!
hope you enjoyed your 17th birday girl ((:
really sorry for not being able to accompany you.
had some outside cip stuff. arghh.
it's okie. there's belated bday lunch! =)

smth just came to my mind ytd.
"it can't be explained. coz this is what passion is."

and oh!
FIREWORKS WAS SOOOO NICE. =D
so many different 'designs' to squeal in awe at.
crowd at esplanade cheered. (for umm.no reason.)

but i like the glimmering stars design best.
and the last one, when it fell to the ground. leaving traces of it behind in the sky.

everything stopped.
for a split second.
thoughts ran through my mind.
my heart raced.
is history gonna repeat itself?

i don't wanna feel how i felt again.
and just for this moment...
i'd rather live in denial forever than to accept anything.

2006-08-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

yayyy!
FIREWORKS.
tmr nite.
tues nite.
fri nite.
and next sat nite!
9pm. marina bay (:

wheeee.

"dun rain on my parade please!"

RAPTURE was fantastically grrrreat! =D
ahhhhH.
ANGELYN! you were AWESOME. ((:
and keewei- i'm alrite girl. was just feeling a lil moody and extremely tired. but thanks alot for being there. lovelove! =)
to 08!! i missed everyone sooo much! it's been so long.
kim, xuan, melvin, lynette, cyn, yixiang, yuda, wilson, paul, sam, minxin, samantha...
i missed you! took pics and pics today. had lotsa fun too.

training tmrrrrr.
rain rain go away. =

P.S. ECP's a nicee place. =)

2006-08-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

a rare yet beautiful sight.
sun was setting
with clouds lining the horizon.
two seagulls soared above the river
with their wings outspread
as they circled the blue sky.

:))

managed to catch tt unusual sight for a moment while paddling during water training today.
baddd day though.
audrey, yolanda and i had to use the salem and the conventional paddle for training as there was a shortage of boats and Brascs. =(
as the salems were huge, bulky and like twice the weight of a T1, we had dificulty carrying them into the water and took the longest time. and what made it worse was that we were short of one boat. grrreat. had to go all the way back to the shed and grab, or rather lug another salem all the way to the shore. it was really HEAVY. ahhhH.
dno what i'm complaining about and whining agn. but arghh. only managed to complete abt 2 triangles, spending like 99% of time and effort on ensuring that the big fat boat doesn't go off-course, rather than focusing on our strokes. fortunately, before that, cher taught us the strokes. K strokes! =D

it was nice though, to see the whole j1 team down for water training! wheee. pity some couldn't make it due to other stuff. the strength was immense! =)

realised tonight, that i'm beginning to discover the other side of some people i know. not in a bad way though. jus hope you'll start to open up (:

counting down to NATALIE's special day-- 3 =D

2006-08-01T08:03:00.000-07:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go but
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

emo night. but with niceee songs.
songs and music that i like make bee happy (((:
kudos to jov's collection of songs. wheee.
tgt with the past songs tt bestie sent to me.
a pleasant night.

things between me and mumi are finally cleared after this evening.
hugs. =)

and i'm sure it'll pass. it will, debbie.

star-gazed.

2006-07-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

went to see fireworks on sat evening with jov and yc.
it was so niceee!!
the different colours accompanied by the amazing architecture.
esp the last part. i jus loveee the way they blow up and fall to the ground as some stayed on in the sky for a while.
simply wonderful :))
i enjoyed the fighter planes with the lil flame too. hahh. didn't manage to take a pic of it.
they flew too fast.

ended at 8.10 and we walked to the bus stop and took a bus down to old airport road for umm. dinner/supper?
we were like starving!
stopped myself from getting the tempting yet harmful evil char kway teow.

the place was so smoky la. jov and yc didn't bother when i said i was dying with the smoke ard us. and when they finally felt it, they wanted to move away.
it was really smoky! like can't breathe. thanks to the hokkien mee stall.

found another table but it was occupied. and jov went like, "kuai dian chi la". hahh.
told him tt he was really loud but he said they probably can't understand chi... when they started speaking in chi. =/
haha. and i got to eat my goreng pisang! wheee. yumyum. =D
had dessert and jov thought of having satay.
so we had to wait. and wait. and WAIT.

finally, the satay came and here comes the highlight of the nite--> SA-TAY!
hahaha. okie this's like some inside joke, but it refers to mr tay!
ahhh. yes. MR TAY CHEN HUI. T14's HT.
just think of the way he sniggers. scary. eeee.!
get it? it's like sha(in chi)-tay. sounds really mean and evil but yeahh tt was what came to someone's mind when we were having SATAY. hehh. so bad right. but still... T14's violated!
my hair!
arghh. =(
hoorays to the satay club and the satay stick. hahh.
feel so meean and horrible. =/

hmm. it was pretty late after time spent at the hawker ctr.
but the sky seemed quite clear and jov suggested star gazing.
been wanting to head down to ecp and star gaze...
and on the bus, we kept going on abt tay and jov had to constantly remind me abt the hair incident with tay. grr. =(
haha. guys were also violated by him. yeewww.

yayyYAYYY. now i know how to get to ecp by myself. =D
walked for quite a distance before reaching ecp. but it was one of those nice long walks which i really enjoy. coz it's been some time since i took time off, for some quiet moments and my lone self.
the sound of the waves
with the arid yet fresh smell of the air
and most imptly, the sparkling stars that made my night :))
i realised. for the first few moments when you sit there and look up the sky, you wun be able to see many stars.
but. be patient and if you look closely enough, you'll be able to see more stars.
some were quite bright and obvious, some were dim... but you know they're there. =)
xingxing.s.
wheeee. a really nice place to think abt happy and unhappy stuff.
"i'll be back!" =D

had to leave after some time as it was getting quite late and mumi wanted me home.
that was when the bad part started...
got a scolding from mumi and i realised i hurt her alot and caused her much worry.
but i seriously didn't know what to do.
sighh. just wanna say i'm sorry and not to make you upset again.

and. thanks for being there, simply to listen, though it was so late.
smile. =)
dun be sad!

DARyl! ps me ahh. there's PENALTY okie. i still wanna watch pirates of the carribean! hahah you're forgiven. =D
yayyy. don't forget e study session on tues yea. (:

2006-07-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

heyy you tagged! and thank you so much for helping me to get my tagboard fixed.
i really am grateful.
wheeee. (:

FIRSTLY, training was fun fun fun! =D
though my team lost :( haha. but what happened during the netball game was really funny!
the guys can get really rough when they go for the ball. haha. i can vouch for tt. my lips almost bled!
and and. the most hilarious part was when 4 guys started snatching the ball from one poor guy, similar to some american rugby match. hahah.
gym training was more effective this time, as it was timed and we were able to get our 3 rounds done. but after the first 2rounds, my arms were already ACHING. i could feel it forming. ughhh.
i'm beginning to look like a guy. sheesh. =/

after which, wanching, nat, ziwei and i went down to Queensway and got some stuff settled. they're really good planners! didn't have dinner with them as mumi wanted me home.
mumi and bro went to catch pirates. w/out me.! ha. couldn't make it anw. suddenly, i feel like i've so many movies to catch. hehh. pk son! rmb our pirates show yea. =D and audreyyy! i wanna catch "CLICK" with ya!

sch was as usual, but today's one of the relaxing days, so didn't get to do much.
chi lesson was quite fun though! haha. bel and jon's group was quite cute. jov's group was really funny too. with the 3muggers. =D
oooh. and i 'tape-d' my wrist in the name of fun today. hahah. so tt i was able to write on it. hehh.
it was an accessory. hah.

finally let it out- to bestie.
feel a lil better. but i think i'm gonna leave it the way it is.
coz i know very well, that things wouldn't turn out fine.
it'll be over soon, i'm sure. =)

okay here goes!
counting down to NATALIE's special day- 9 =D

2006-07-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JERILYN!

yayyy. it's your birthday and just wanted to wish you a happy 17th birthday.
hope you like the present we gave you.
spent the day making your gigantic card + a soft comfy pouch.
can't wait to pass it to you on Nday! =D
BESTIE GOODIE FREN FOR LIFE. =)

and and.
i'm still confused. =(

2006-07-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

don't know why i'm feeling this way.
maybe i'm wrong again
maybe it's just one of those silly feeling tt makes your heart skip a beat whenever things are said or when weird random thoughts hit you
maybe it means something deep down
something which i aren't even sure of.
maybe it's just nothing at all.

it's the latter i guess.

though i now know what happened from the start, i'm unsure of how things are at the moment.
but THEN AGAIN. i guess it's just me feeling this way when there's probably nothing going on at all. oh pleeease. this's nothing and it's gonna just fleet by in a couple of days. ahhhh. i dno i dno i dno!
i shall just... not think abt it and to pretend and go on as if nothing has happened.
end-of-story.

As the night falls
and when every inch and corner of life subsides
when night life on a saturday starts
when the luminance of every notch of a student's life fades for the night
when dreams come alive in a paradise
when nuances of all the scences today seem to recur to me.
I sometimes find i'm drifting
through this life without effect
I search through days that have been hard,
to try to understand
the many trials that i have known
the life that i have had.
you see me in my daily grind
so confident and strong;
yet when i am alone i question
just where i belong.

Maddening, swirling, tumultuous thoughts give my heart no peace
muscles tensing, heart's wrenching,
walled off from emotions, numbed to dreams of bliss
frantically grasping for a hold, sliding further into the abyss
I close my eyes and search within
I'll trust my instincts this time.

There are times when words are not enough
feelings cannot always be put into words;
because they are inadequate and often escape us
sometimes, there are only feelings.
There are times when all you need is a look-
a silent, wordless connection between souls
an understanding that needs no translation.
a natural, knowing stare that says everything.

There are times when all you need is acceptance
to know that you are valued as you are
that any changes you make only enhance you more
as you discover yourself.
There are times when you need all of these things
there are times when nothing else matters.

2006-07-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

I've got a NEW blogskin!
wheee. haha. with special thanks to BESTIE! hehh. (((((:
but err. i'm sorry peeps. it's still not fully done.
profile's missing. tagboard's an eyesore. urgh.
will get it done asap! (:

ahhhh. so emo so emo so EMO.

hope tt i'll be able to make it for pirates! wheeee. =D

2006-07-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

Canoeing finals was ytd and it was one significant event that sparked off the inspiration and motivation in me. knew abt how njc trains and how they actually get gd results too. Discipline is the word. they're just so discplined and focused on what they wanna achieve.
gotta strive really hard for the next chance. then amanda audrey and me were like saying how motivated we are to TRAIN harder for next yr's comp. must train hard!
the weather was a killer. demoralise-r. sighh. germaine's race was first and she was really close to the njc girl ahead of her by just half a boat length, but she managed to get 2nd! wheee. =D
the rest persevered and rowed their very best too, but things just weren't right. sighh. so half a day ended just like tt. with a funshot at the end of it all =)

MOTIVATION.

i sooo MISS TRAINING. ahhhhh.

so straight after tt, we headed for lunch at junction 8's pastamania with natalie, amanda, audrey and daniel. sat there for about an hr, talking abt canoe stuff and the past. was quite fun. and daniel actually wanted to go back to cj for econs lecture but after much persuasion and tempting, he followed us to swimming at nat's grandma's hse. hehh. weather was quite chilly but managed to jump into the pool and started swimming a few laps. nat was like. oh-so-wow! ahhhh haha. dan and her could swim from one end to e other in just a single breath. PRO. i think nobody swan as much as she did ytd.
so yupps just stoned there and soaked in the water and absorbed as much SUN as we could. hahaha. talked from canoe to amanda and cracked other funny stuff. the fun part came when we went to the jaccuzi pool.
played the 'guess-e-no-of-thumbs' game to determine who shld turn on the jacuzzi. haha. and played a few more really kiddo but fun games. cheap thrill. but STILL it was sooo hilarious! hahaha. esp when audrey got high and when amanda started following this old guy tt dan said looks like Shrek. hahaha. it was all out of fun la. laughed and laughed and laughed. =D but it was a pity mandi couldn't join us. =( get well soon yea!

went home, bathed and got rdy to meet joel, jov, evan and yc for dinner at sakae! yummmy. as usual, spent about half an hour just to get down and place our orders. haha. but the whole nite was really fun and enjoyable. as usual, joel was the 'entertainer' who started making us laugh at almost everything even before the food came. poor yc had only $5. and jov had no idea what to order. orders were mixed up and some didn't even arrive. ahhhh bad service. quite. but our nite wasn't ruined! didn't manage to get buffet so had to settle for ala carte. all of us happened to like the Tako Yaki octopus ball thingy and wanted to order more, when as usual, the guys started this thing abt it, calling it BALLS. damn lame but hilarious if you're at the scence. hahah so smth unexpected happened. yc, known as the cls mugger, called for e waitress and blurted, "We need balls." and we were like omg. i didn't even dare to look at the poor girl's expression. but fortunately joel managed to cover up fast enough and said, "we mean TakoYaki." haha! okie enoughh.

hmm. so throughout the nite, we just sat there, talking from results to the top students in our cls (guohao and kaichung!) hahaha. and it somehow connected to me. arghh. abt cards and all. haha! adn jov's face started getting really red as usual. headed up to Sky garden at suntec after dinner and admired the scenery and all. felt so dumb coz nobody has ever brought me there before! ahhhh. took some pics and went home. however we stopped by at Gelare's at Citilink for dessert as mr jov kept asking for dessert like a lil kid! hehh. =) so we had ice-cream with 3 diff flavours. 5 of us gulped it down in just a minute. hahh. played a few rounds of truth or dare and then went home. reached home at about 1130.

it was a FUN-TABULOUS-TIC day okay! =D
it's nice to laugh and EAT. hehh!
got to know my canoe mates and clsmates a lil more and realised there're other more meaningful things in life tt's worth.
_______________
and yes pk son! hurry hurry! mug mug tgt soon yea. and do always stay optimistic no matter what happens. =)

2006-07-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

bad results. horrible. i've mourned and did all i could for a wk. it's time to like WAKE UP and start all over again. tt's it.

I'm sorry!

2006-07-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

This's to apologize to you sincerely.
firstly, for psing you on wed.was supposed to hav dinner but i couldn't make it.
and for saying such hurting and insulting remarks to you.
but which aren't true at all!
just wanted to say tt you've been there for me ALL the time, all this while, whenever i needed a friend to be there.
and you're always someone who makes my day!
okayy i'm not acting all sentimental and stuff, but yeah i am really sorry.
don't be tt cold pls! ahhhh. :(

2006-07-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

This's really so super hilarious! hahaha. daryl's recommendation. hehh.

http://twochineseboys.blogspot.com/2005/12/bu-de-bu-ai_04.html

2006-07-05T05:01:00.000-07:00

Had Alvl chinese oral this afternoon. thankfully, everything went well. just that the passage had like 2 rather difficult words but fortunately the conversation topic was still okayy. okie enough abt oral.
hmm. most of the j1s went to OCS in the afternoon so they left at about 12pm but i had like 4hrs to spare before oral exam. met daryl for lunch and saw sa's chem paper and realised tt their format is different from cj's. they had only 30MCQ qns and essay qns, which lasted for 2hrs in total. reached sch in time for oral and everyone started panicking only minutes before their turn. i was like really nervous! ahhh. when i stepped outta e hall, i met haowen. and her fren, valerie! haha. started talking and talking and yeahh we must play badx someday! yayyy! wheeee. =D and yupps i'm just glad tt they're frens who care. thanks alot hw (:

met up with sham and kw at coffee bean to chill agn. was so fun with you girls! haha. got high and all. wooooo. haha! we'll catch up soon yea! (:

oooh oooh. monday was BESTIE DAY! hah. it was like half a day out with bestie but quite fun though. just tt i didn't get to like, finish my FRIES. ahhhh. and i got owned in bowling. ohwells. nx time nx time. hehh.

yikes! and now i've got some chinese newspaper report and EOM to do. arghhh :(

best concert of the year!

2006-07-01T02:34:00.000-07:00

IT WAS THE BESTEST CONCERT OF THE YEAR. okay if there will ever be a word 'bestest'. hehh.
but yeahh i had so much fun last nite at sji. at the kindred spirits concert 06!
though was quite mad at some ppl at the beginning.ahhh but it was ALLL okay after fine and alrite and well when the concert started. :)
thought tt i was only gonna meet daryl, stix and weikann there but to my surprise, saw jovian there too. hah. and got to know a few more cj ppl!
quanbin (who was introduced as 'binnie')
jiahao (the guy with e 3rd eye)
weiyang (the rj pianist!)
gareth (same orange shirt)
alextine (not really sure how to spell his name) and an rj guy whose name i can't rmb.
so yupps. it was so much funnn during the concert and i really enjoyed myself alot. everyone who was present did too. =D all the sji guys were like screaming and shouting away. tgt with the IJTP girls when the girls did their dance item, which was ABSOLUTELY great.
i think i loved the dance most. and oh yes. the 13-yr old boy who sang 'Flying without Wings'. You could see the confidence in him and the pride he sang with. He deserved a standing ovation and he got it! ((:

hmm. and last but not least, the part which got me really really high and excited was the finale song. KEEP THE PASSION. wheeeee. and all of us started singing and swaying side to side. haha. though i'm not like a Josephian, but i liked how i felt there.
after which, we went to far east's BK. it was already 10.20pm. called my mum and went ahead with them. and when we got there, we didn't order anything. haha. just sat there and started talking. i was seated with daryl and jiahao. and we started coming up with the topic of some haunted areas at St. Pats, which was followed by his experience with the other world. poor kid.we came to realise that his story was also shown on the show- incredible tales.
but booboo. had to leave at 11pm and couldn't stay on to listen to the rest of the story. reached home pretty late but had an enjoyable day! =D
called bestie but no reply! ha. thought he must have fallen asleep so went to bed. but someone was actually watching e match. ahhh. germany won?! I even thought argentina would. ohwells. we'll see till then!

hehh. gonna play BADX tmr. FINALLY. (((:

fun fun fun!

2006-06-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

Exams are finally over but i know i know. it's just short-lived happiness. hehh. coz it'll be all gone when the results are back. gee. i just know i'm gonna be so deaaaad. oops.
last paper (which was horrendous maths) ended yesterday afternoon and headed all the wayyy down to bpp to meet sham and kw. ate a super filling lunch at Mos Burger and waited for miss keewei to come over. haha. bought my fav bubble tea!! and started crapping abt all sorts of stuff from bpp to the coffeeshop! hahaha. my initial purpose was to go to teach sham chemistry. ha. but in the end, we did get some studying done okayy. like taught her chem bonding. though yeah, not really an expert in it. and she made a cuppa iced milo for me! and she's coming over the nx day for another lesson. haha. and after a few hrs, i left for another fren's place to teach physics! again. haha yeahh. but at least i like physics and it's H1. hehh. but it was funnnn! =D
had like spaghetti but couldn't finish it. haha. dinner was so westernized. but yupps at least my tummy was filled. gawdd. why am i blogging abt this.
so yepp.headed down to the poolside and started on physics. and oh my. even i had to struggle for a while before managing to teach him the qns. YIKES. but fortunately i was able to help to yeahh a certain extent. just hoped tt i did manage to help a little. hehh. did i?
brought me one round around his 'oh-it's-just-a-cheap-condo.' and the poolside view's like sooo nice. ((: could see the crescent moon and stars and all.
it was followed by lotsa crapping ard and then started singing. haha. ALLLL the nice songs! plus it was rather quiet and hehh. recorded our singing. hahaha. it was my first time doing such a thing with a gd fren! but but it was like funnnnnn.
- Almost Here
-Amazing
- Cry
- Just Want You to Know
and more! (and hey noooo pls. no 'the reason')
haha. i'm just so glad to have found a great fren like you who makes my day. =D

and finally, left for home which was just 10mins away. it's so near!
wheee. had a great day (((:

2006-06-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

whooops. it's been another long break since i updated this dusty blog! hahah.
so yepp. training will stop temporarily and resume after nationals.
just wanna wish all the competitors the best of luck and may their hard work pay off! =D
CANOEING! hehh.
hmm. so yepp. many things happened during the holidays and yikes! we're just another day away from mids. and i'm so so dead. yeah like seriously. AHHHH.
have been wasting my time away for the first 2-3wks. giving excuses to rest and stuff. all EXCUSES. only started serious studying last wk.
"debbie! what've you even accomplished during the holidays?!" hah.
and i'm just so glad and grateful that i've my bestie goodie frens to get me into my studying momentum despite what happened.
many many thanks to my dearest ones and everyone who have always been there for me! =)
to jeri- you'll always be my bestie! i promise! i'll always be there for you.
and oh yes. i just realised that JE library is such a super ideal place to study at. perfect environment, really.
haha. and before we enter the library, we always make sure we make a trip down to ntuc and stock up! had so many munchies while studying for HOURS. it's scary to think tt one could actually sit there for 7hrs. but hehh. it was quite fun. trying to hide the foodstuffs whenever the librarian checks the place. and there were so many interesting and amusing things that go on in the library once in a while. like when those small kids from RV start horsing around and when you actually listen to their conversation, you'll just find them so cute, you'll laugh non-stop! hahaha
it's like even better than staying at home and having a gazillion and one distractions and end up not completing much. so i'll recommend Jurong East library! though yeah, it's a lil freezing cold. brrr...

Oh yeah. we also had pre-comp lunch at Seoul garden during the holidays. Most were supposed to come. but unfortunately only 6 j1s were able to make it on that day. Had quite alot of fun though! BK can actually eat raw eggs. yeah like eat them RAW. yeeeww. and he gulped down 3 that day. =/
only nat and i were the only j1 girls present that day. hope that nx yr's pre-comp meal would be much more enjoyable! =D

Heritage play at lltc was great!
gee. if only chem spa wasn't on fri... =( heard there was a whole lotta fun. haha. but i'd feel a lil extra there anw. however, i did enjoy myself tt nite. wheee.
'lasalle can only light the spark. you must kindle the fire on...' (:

ahhhhh. back to mugging again. the chemistry tys and notes are like calling out to me...
i think i'm really going bonkers soon. ohwells. haha. it's just another wk! hang on ppl! All the best to everyone for midyrs! ^^

to 'p.', thanks alot for your comment and yes,
i'm a happier girl now. (:

2006-06-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

wheee. it's been quite a while since i last blogged!
been really really busy and caught up with stuff like canoe trainings and catching up with frens and all.
blehhh.
so anw. trainings are on mon, tues and fri. booboo. the better ones get to be chosen to go for the other 2 more j2 trainings. ohwells. but so far, canoe training has been a whole lotta fun, but very tough as well. with the constant paddling and gym-ing.

now that you're gone

2006-05-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

now that you're gone,
i can only regret in silence.
i can't say anything
i can't let you know
coz there's someone else.
I let it go. i know.
and i can no longer take it back.
i can't undo what i did
i can't take back what i said.
and now you're off to a happier life
a happier you.

I know i've brought hurt to you the other time. and now that you've let it go, you're back to yourself, ever so positive but stronger as a person.
but still i'm glad and thankful. that you're still my friend. someone whom i can still turn to at the end of the day. someone who makes my day everytime (:

went to the old folks home today and i tell you, it's completely different from how they present it in pictures and how it feels when you're in one yourself. the moment i turned into the canteen of the home, i stood there rooted for a moment. i know it sounds very very bad and i actually feel bad about it. It was my first time there and i've never been in such an environment ever in my life. the sight of all the old people with difficulty in walking or even sitting down. They seem so lonely but yet unfeeling too. I was told to help them shave. however, it was my first time and i was so afraid i wouldn't do a good job. furthermore, i had no idea how to go about helping others shave. But i'm thankful that there was a resident who taught me how to help them shave. and oh my. i accidentally hurt one of the indian old men. I'm so sorry! ahhhh. it was my first time and i tried to be careful, but i hurt him. sighh. i just hope i'll not hurt anyone next time. i'm now afraid of helping them shave :( sighh.
So thereafter,we were to help out for lunch as they ate from their packet food. We went from table to table helping them pour curry on their food. Some wanted more and some got irritated coz of waiting. they're rather difficult to understand actually. hmm. i'm just looking forward to the next visit next wk and hopefully, it'll be better.

And i never wanna send my mum to a home next time. Don't you too.
Nights.

A Walk To Remember

2006-05-24T05:23:00.000-07:00

Cry (theme song of A Walk To Remember)

I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended so soon
You were all by yourself
Starin' up at a dark gray sky
I was changed

In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was there that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
It was late in September
And I'd seen you before(And you were)
You were always the cold one
And I was never that sure

You were all by yourself
Starin' up at a dark gray sky
I was changed
In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside(Deep inside)
It was there that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

And I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything
AlrightI'll always remember
It was late afternoon
In places no one will find

Thanks for your comfort and being there to pick me up again. I promise you I'll stay strong :)
Nothing is forever and things are subjected to change.
Hmm. A valuable lesson learnt during last PE lesson. (boo-hoo. it was the last pe lesson we had with mr isaac lim) This time, we were to carry the huge blue mats from the audi extension to the obstacle area behind the hostel. wow. we've never been there before. So yupps. Mr lim asked for a volunteer and we volunteered Commando Carebear! haha. yeah. our one and only PE rep! hehh. Mr lim then instructed him what to do. first to climb up, turned his back over, squat then stand up again, followed by 5 pullups. BRAVO! *3 cheers for carebear! =D
after which, we were supposed to try it one by one. It was pretty scary as most of us were afraid of heights. Frightening. Elizabeth could do sooo well! she managed to move herself to the 'T' and hung there. most of the girls weren't able to do that.
After which, the 4 of us girls were told to climb over the wall which was like 2m by helping each other. We started with using each others' backs as support, just like how the cheerleaders make up the 'base'. Cool. But in the end the last girl wasn't able to come up by herself. Even with our help, she couldn't get up and worse, got cuts on her arm. Okay everyone got cuts on their arms :( But in the end, all of us managed to pull francesa up and we completed out task! Next, mr lim taught us 2 ways to get over the wall. And i did it!! followed by anthea :D
oooohs. hahaha. I'm a lil high now. over what i don't know. but need some time to think things through yea. As for now, GPGPGPGPGPGP. ahhhhh. wish me luck dear diary :))

BOO.

2006-05-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do.
I just can't continue to deceive myself anymore.
I think it's better for you to leave.
it's too painful to go on
it's all one-sided
and i seem to be the fool
i don't wish to go on hoping and living on false hopes
when at the end of the day,
you don't seem to care.

I wanna get mysef outta this stupid whole mess I got myself in for the past 6mths. My life is screwed and ruined because of you, just because i love you. But i gotta stop myself from being disillusioned any further, before it's too late.

2006-05-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

it's been quite some time since i blogged. Been really really busy for the past week ever since the real canoe thing started. It's really taking a toll outta me. Like back to training again. Well, it's good and i do enjoy it, but sometimes i just feel i've really lost the determination or rather, the motivation. And that's bad. I don't know why.
It just seems different from the passion and strife i had for badminton and sports in general. I feel as if i'm training blindly, canoeing without a direection or goal. I've no idea where i'm heading. Especially during today's water training at Kallang- we just kept paddling and paddling and paddling. Yes everyone knows where they're supposed to paddle to, where to stop and all. But i don't. TELL ME. at least i'll be prepared and know where i'm supposed to aim and go for. or tell me how many times we're supposed to go up and down. Can you imagine. I felt so dumb when they were like paddling towards a certain spot, and then to realise we're not stopping there? arghh. It just made me feel like giving up. I've never thought of giving up that easily, especially in SPORTS. WTH happened?! Why? I guess it came to a point of time I just got sick and tired of life, totally.

And now, i'm still trying to make up my mind on whether to go for that IJC cip thingy tmr. I wanna freaking spend time with him. BUT he doesn't give a damn at all. I asked him as i wanted to know if he wanted me to spend time with him tmr and forgo that cip thingy. and thought of doing cip with him. but WTH. He just doesn't like me being with him. Fine. yeahh i get it. I'm willing to give up that full 40hours of cip just to be with you (yes i know that's silly and dumb), but this's what i get from you. I waited for you early in the morning at the bus stop and i can't even get a SMILE from you. And i'm SUPPOSED to UNDERSTAND. understand WHAT. that you're not expected to be there when i needed someone? when i was tired? when i needed someone to talk to? when i just needed some comfort?
I don't know why i'm so afraid of you. You're beginning to step all over me. No not beginning. You already are. Since 3mths back.
Maybe that's cos i'm too afraid i'll lose you, someone i love too much.

First land training with the J1s

2006-05-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

Had our first land training with the J1s after school today. I tell you, it was the longest PT session I ever had. Really. We started off with 3 rounds around the school and it was the first time i actually ran the route around the school. Oh oh. before tt, we also did 60pushups.
sighh. and when we were running, I decided to run with the girls. Sorry dear. But i just felt that you should train with the guys and at the same time, i'd be able to bond with some of the girls. However, it didn't turn out that way in the end. Started off with them at first, but after the second round, i... overtook them. i know i shldn't have done that. Like some show-off or smth... and didn't bother waiting for them. Nooooo. that shldn't be it. Next time, i'll run WITH them. yupps.

After which, we rested and next, relay time. Yayyy. this time, vince and i were in the same team. Had to run up and stop at each level to do different exercises. 2nd lvl- 30pushups. 3rd- 50crunches. 4th- 15 burpies. We did this twice. By then, my legs were feeling a lil heavy. booboo. The captain of the day was Joel, whom i came to realise is a very nice guy. He never got angry or raise his voice towards us throughout the whole training. And the canoeists were rather friendly and fun to be with. That was a good start. =)

Lastly, we started on our circuit training, but without running rounds of the track. This time, it was just plain pushups, squats, pullups, crunches and MORE pushups. I think we did about 120+ pushups in total. I started on the guys' style of pushup, but after some time, one of the seniors came over and told the girls to do the knee pushup. I tried to hang in there but did the last 8-10 pushups in the girls' style. Gotta be strong!
Yayyy. Guess wad. I dreamt that i could do 3 pullups unassisted!! Really! I was overjoyed. But to be disappointed when I woke up. bleeeeahh.

Made quite a few friends today. So far, I know of amanda, peihan, xiaoting, yolanda and of course, suemaine. :))

Hope that this's a good start to kick off my 2 yrs of canoeing in cjc.

the memories will always stay. love ya.

i'll be there.

2006-05-08T05:52:00.000-07:00

dear diary,
tell me. if i'm on the right track. tell me. if everything's gonna be fine again. if he'll be back.

To all those out there-
Please leave vince alone. Stop hitting on him. LEAVE HIM ALONE. Just stay away. GO AWAY.

yes that's what i wanna say. and i've said my piece. you may say it's silly and dumb but i just can't hold it in any longer, anymore.

Even if the world turns their backs against you, i'll still be here. I've always been.
Don't ask me to leave you alone. Don't ask me to stay away. they say such things abt you because they don't know you. but at least i feel i do. I'm sorry. for upsetting you again today.

It hurts to see you this way. I don't like seeing you pushed around, being put down by others. And treating me this way. All i hope is that you'll pull yourself up and SHOW them you're someone who deserves respect.

2006-05-06T05:40:00.000-07:00

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together,
there is something you must always remember.
you are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
but the most important thing is,
even if we're apart... i'll always be with you.

Received a few poems today. kudos to keeeeeewei! :))
wheee. ee cummings' poems are just so interesting and fascinating. yes they are.
talk about lil children, weather and feelings. all in a poem. great.

Beyond the Snow Belt

Over the local stations, one by one,
Announcers list disasters like dark poems
That always happen in the skull of winter.
But once again the storm has passed us by:
Lovely and moderate, the snow lies down 5
While shouting children hurry back to play,
And scarved and smiling citizens once more
Sweep down their easy paths of pride and welcome.

And what else might we do? Let us be truthful.
Two counties north the storm has taken lives. 10
Two counties north, to us, is far away, -
A land of trees, a wing upon a map,
A wild place never visited, - so we
Forget with ease each far mortality.

Peacefully from our frozen yards we watch 15
Our children running on the mild white hills.
This is the landscape that we understand, -
And till the principle of things takes root,
How shall examples move us from our calm?
I do not say that is not a fault. 20
I only say, except as we have loved,
All news arrives as from a distant land.

though yeah. I may not understand every line of the poem (as i'm not a lit student), but i do get the whole idea of it and some parts too.

My first canoe land training

2006-05-05T04:46:00.000-07:00

a thousand tears she had cried.
that game. that pettiness. that incident.
tried the very best.
but still couldn't get hold of it.
voices were sullen, faces all damp.
all that can be heard, was solemn breathing and shrieks of agony.
once so loved, and yet all that can be felt is sadness beyond description.
was the love equal, or just one sided?
speeches were difficult, each choked with tears.
thoughts about ending this game were raised.
but the love is strong to overcome any obstacles.
she promised.
and it will remain that way forever.
she's sorry for the wrongs she did. she really cherishes her boy.
she just want him to know that her world is only him.
without him, she is good as gone.
that 3 words; i love you. is only for him.
i love you dear, i really do. i promise to be your lil'princess, forever true and good to you.
i PROMISE. (:
___________________________________________________________________

dear diary,
today was my very first canoe land training, and with the j2s at that. o.O was kinda prepared for that worst or something. Was a lil unprepared actually.

Okay. Let me start from PE lesson today. It was so so so GREAT and FUN! lol. You may think that i'm sadistic by saying that after you read on what exactly we did for PE. Today's lesson came unexpected. The sky was overcast but it seemed really cool and it's what everyone would consider 'good weather'. Little did i know that we were in for a big surprise from mr isaac lim. Alright. Started off with a round with the class. But mr weirdo said that he wasn't happy coz the class wasn't DEE-SIR-PLEENED. So fine. We jogged the second round. After which, he gathered us and i thought we were almost free to go. noooo. He asked us to run to the gate and climb over it and run to the front gate of CJC. Well okie. We did that too. He was there awaiting us. After we reached there, he brought us to the drain just next to the entrance, under the sign- Catholic Junior College. Oh mann. It was as dirty as some polluted canal or smth. Plus, it was starting to RAIN! Next, I'm sure you'll be able to guess what we were supposed to do. YES. walk through the dirty, pitch dark, uber-filled cobweb drain as a class. It was like a tunnel leading to the other end of cjc. Can you imagine that. ugrhh. It just kinda reminded me of RINJANI days! :) where we had to walk through dirty canals in order to get to the other side. This time was better as we needn't necessarily touch the water. By opening our legs wide and keeping our heads low and bent, we would be able to get through it. Yeahh! as a class, we did get through that together, after much shouting, panicking and disgust. haha. And yayy! we were finally out and before that, we could see light emerging from within the end of the tunnel! haha. Oh yes. Kudos to tammy for joining us too, though she didn't have her PE attire on. She was so super wet after it. Though she had a match anw, she still joined us.

After the whole lesson, lim explained the lesson behind everything we did. Basically, we should be grateful and thankful for what we have now. When lim told us to go through the drain and our first reaction was "oooh. my new shoes. how? later our shoes will be wet..." So he went on to tell us about how other unfortunate people had no shoes or even feet. And here we are, 'squandering our privilege'. he's right in some way. yupps. It was indeed a lesson learnt.

Had chinese lesson after that. Completed a composition and handed it in on time! lol. I used to be really slow you see. So anyway, school ended pretty soon and I had to wait for vince to look for the captain and ask if we were allowed to the water training. And guess wad. We ended up training with the j2s. It was strenuous actually. Coz most of the training focused on weights training, which vince and i needed badly. lol. Just looking at how the seniors train is really scary. We were to complete 10 exercises but as there was not enough time, we ended completing only 5. But it was great! coz we had a very nice senior- melissa. :) She was really nice to us. and i jus realised after 1 and a half set that the action of passing the medicine ball was a stroke for canoe.
Oh yes. Before that we also did the sprint run, in which we were supposed to sprint along the length of the track and jog along the width for 5 rounds. It was my first time doing that as i missed tues's morning training. I lagged behind most of the times.Sighh. Just couldn't catch up with them during the sprint. Ahhhh i gotta train hard!!

2.5 hrs passed pretty fast with the canoe teamates and by then, it was already 6pm. WE WERE STARVING. haha. dear and i hadn't had anything since 6 in the morning. grrr. Thus we had noodle king and well, was quite disturbed by the msg he received. sighh. it's okayy. I'm just glad that i was able to feel alrite after a while. Dear, i just hope that you wun think that i'm being unreasonable again. I am trying my best to be more understanding.

Sooo tired when i got home. Almost missed my stop on the bus. Uh oh. gotta go now. yikes!! my new phone on the way! will update soooon. hav yet to complete my entry anw. smileee!! =)

ONE-EIGHT-SIX

2006-05-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

Arghhh. The irritating, dumb dumb, slowpoke, old lousy bus 186. Thanks to its screwed up timing, i couldn't get to school for morning canoe training on time today AGAIN. but i okayy previously, it was my fault coz i woke up late. but i was at the bus stop at 6.17am today okayy. and waited. waited and waited. for twenty-five mins, but there was still no sign of any old kok-kok bus coming. I was getting rather frustrated and helpless. I wanted to like teleport straight to cjc at that point of time but yeah obviously, I couldn't. booboo. In the end, the 640am bus came. sighh. Once again, i was late and this time, i couldn't even join them for their run and had to proceed straight to the pull up bar. dear diary, i do feel kinda left out with the canoe girls. Hmm. Maybe it's coz i haven't attended any training with them yet. I hope that things would be better by tmr, if i were to go for water training. Hopefully, i'd be able to at least learn their names.

so anw, this time, it was 3sets of 5. was better this time as i was assisted by my legs. was very grateful to the girls who assisted me. :) (yikes. my arms still hurt as ever. hope it'll be alrite soon!) dear, please take care of yourself okay. don't overtire yourself and get me worried abt you. hope that your arm will not hurt anymore. haha. and your neh too. lol. yes yes. developing developing. =D

PW was really slack period i must say. really. Half the class. or shld i say 3/4 of the class disappeared. Most of them had to go to the library to print out their PI. Evan and I then headed down to the library to print our GPP so that we could get things done. However, we didn't in the end as i disappeared to the canteen. hehh.

Oh wells. so the rest of the day went as well, though vince scolded me really badly coz i pissed him off with smth that i did. smth really insensitive and rather dumb. didn't really consider abt the situation. sighh. i'm still as ... as ever. i'm sorry. I wun behave that way again. but fortunately he cooled off and things were alrite again.

oh and yes. THANKEW HONEY, FOR WAITING FOR ME! hehe. yes yes. i know i'm quite naggy but just wanted to thank you again. it's five hours, not five mins. :)) wheeee. so nice of my vinvin. =D

Went home and left for a run as I missed the morning run. However, when I got to the stadium entrance, they stopped me from going on as they were having some event going on. booboo. they chased me away! So I had no choice but to start running aimlessly down the road towards the CC, then to the mosque, then up and along the highway somewhere near Queen's Close, which i realise i've never been to. but i tell you, it was soooo nice and fun!! I mean, the new environment just made me forget that I was running and I was more interested in what i was about to see as i ran further and further up. Then i realised. okay time to turn back. if not i'll never be able to reach home. So i climbed the overhead bridge and ran across roads and down the highway, then i decided to take a new route back. (trying to be adventurous. but it didn't turn out well later) I cut through the housing estates around Tanglin halt area, wondering where the road was leading me to, thinking that i would end up at the mosque again. Oh my. I was so wrong. When i was out, i saw the signboard that said- This way to MRT station. 'Okay great', i thought. 'I'm not lost after all. At least i'll be able to find my way back from queenstown mrt.'

Well, that wasn't the case. When i reached the mrt station, i realised that it was commonwealth station. Okie so i was jus thankful that it wasn't buona vista. lol. it wasn't that bad. Just one station apart. Hmm, at least i was familiar with the road. I turned left and continued. I stopped. "Uh oh. wrong way. I don't see my block in the distance." I turned behind and looked far away. o.O THERE'S MY BLOCK. oh mann. it was another 1km or so before i reached home. Finally. 60pushups. 100crunches. stretch stretch. woooots!! haha. I felt so super GREAT!! like back to training once again. badx training! :)

oh no. it's isaac's first papert tmr. hope he'll concentrate and do well though. *pray pray for him. if he does well, mumi will be happy.

we'll train hard together yea? YOU're my motivation. and i hope that you'll not just be there for canoe, but for a lifetime dear. iloveyou.

hectic day

2006-05-03T06:50:00.000-07:00

the day started so wrong right from the minute i woke up. was so tired that i almost couldn't bring myself to get up from the bed. it was 6.15 and i knew if i continued to look t the sky, sit around and continue hugging my pillow, i'm gonna miss my 640am bus, which just loves to leav earlier than i can reach the bus stop. arghh. stupid slow 186. old mannnn.

In the end, i managed to catch the bus and was feeling super tired and lethargic. Wanted to sleep so badly on the bus but just when i closed my eyes, vince smsed me. (great. i thought he forgotten abt me when he woke up or smth) so yeah. realised that he just got out of the house. so i replied and continued the conversation till the bus reached the stop before sji. By then, he stopped replying. And i knew it. He must be sleeping on the bus and not replying to my msg as and when he feels like it. AT LEAST sms me to tell me you wanna slp or smth. oh wells. anw, it was too late for me to slp already, as i was approaching cjc. sighh. i was so tired i tell you! it was one of those days which you just felt as if your eyes were closing on you and you struggle to OPEN them. arhhh.

dragged myself up to the 4th floor, and into the clsroom. and i mean DRAG. and i felt as if i was approaching some finishing line when i was walking towards 1T14 classroom. plopp. i dropped myself onto the chair and rested my head on the table. and fell into a deep slumber. i told you i was super tireeeeed. but it was so uncomfortable. the next thing i knew, i woke up with vince standing in front of me. wheeee. :)) went over to his cls after that and he gave me a gooood massage! thanks dear. it really helped.

after assembly, we went to search high and low just for shawn, the captain. vince said he's in T23, so we started searching everywhere for that clsrm. we went to J block, searched the whole of it, went up and down and then up again. then down to the pond area, which we realised T23 is there. however, guess wad. shawn isn't in T23. nvm. so we jus went back to class. ohhh! i said we were looking for shawn, but you dun even know why. see la. i'm ageing. hahaha. yupps. we intended to let him know of our absence for land trng as we wanted to go down to the sea sports club for registration. okayy so at first it was kallang, then we called up and was told tt it was full. so we tried changi. and smart me forgot to take down the address as i was in a rush, and only took down the directions. arghh. was scolded for tt later on.

so throughout school, i was feeling really restless. especially during chem tutorial. sighhs. but fortunately i still know what's going on. chinese lesson was crap lesson with joel. haha. my mood got better after break, when me and francesca voted. lol. funny things happened when we were there. joshua and his council fellow fren was there voting as well. and after i was done with mine, i jus peeked to see what they were doing. and his fren was like confused as to who to vote for. so they were trying to be funny. haha. they copied and pasted themis's face on paint and yeahh i'm sure you know what they did. started adding moustaches and goatees and what-nots on his face. mann.they were really horrible. as i walked back to class, i wondered what they could possibly do with MY face too. =X

in the end, after school stuff and all, we headed down to changi. and oh my. had such a HARD time just looking for that place. but i'm so grateful to them, who waited for us though they were supposed to close at 5pm. phew. he got a lil frustrated when things started going offhand. but things got better after a while. but i was thankful to have him there all the while.
grabbed a bite at the changi hawker centre and the yummy part was the goreng pisang! haha. i wanna have it agn!! thankew dear. for the last bite. though it was just a small portion of it, it made me feel really happy. :)) i love you.

and on the way, mumi called up and could tell that she was really upset over what happened and disppointed that i wasn't there for her ytd. sighhs. sorry mumi. but i had my problems too... talked to her just now and she finally let it out. hope that she's feeling better now. she clearly doesn't deserve all this. i dun understand! god. give her a chance please. why's my mum getting all this hurt and pain?? all i can do is to do well in my studies and make her happy. i know i can. for mumi.

oh nono. gotta go slp now! if not i wun be able to wake up tmr and dear will be .... again. hehe.
ermm. and yeahh. dear, don't be affected by what others say alrite. abt weehoe, isaac or tim. or whoever. just hope that we'll be able to stay strong together regardless of whatever happens or whatever that others say or do. i'll always stand by you. i love you and that's a fact that'll stay that way. it's a looong day tmr dear diary! ahhhh! (wheeee. i was so delighted when he told me tt he'll be staying back!) but if you're tired or anything, it's okiee. :))

niteyy! sweet dreams. I pray for mumi.

CANOE!

2006-05-02T07:43:00.000-07:00

wheeeeee. i'm just so satisfied with canoe morning training today. though i was LATE and couldn't do my 3 sets of 3 properly. booboo. :( so sorry dear! i'll not switch off my phone next time. but i'm so happy you called. hehe. it just reminds me of the time when you used to sms me every morning when you woke up during Os at around 5am when you were still in sji. :)
lol. silly meeee. but yeahh. reminiscence. NICE ones.

oh yes. CANOE! hahaha. was supposed to reach there at 645.but arghhh. i rushed down and missed 186 and had to wait for the 640am bus, which was so late. i reached there at about 7am, when everyone was like doing their rounds. (wait. i just did my first set of 20push ups. 3more sets to go. =D) and ohh yeah. dear diary! my goal's to be able to complete 3 unassisted pull ups by june. YEAH YEAH. I CAN DO IT. riiiight? so anw. i joined suemaine and they were to do 5rounds. but heyy. not normal 5rounds. but to sprint. oh my. however, i only managed to do 2rounds and had to stop as they carried on to the next exercise, which was pull ups. and whoa. i tell you. i wasn't prepared for what happened next. we were supposed to do 3sets of 3 assisted. but STILL. i've never actually pulled myself up before. sighh. you could jus imagine. this weak girl trying to pull her mass body up with abt 2 ppl assisting her heavy body. sad case. (okay. 2nd set done.) cmon debbie!! i gotta train TRIPLY hard if i ever wanna make it up there! and of course not to forget my pwiince. gotta motivate each other! haha. must push ourselves hard! :)) jiayou jiayou.

so after that, we went to change and tt was when i heard haowen screaming away. abt me. yes. abt my decision to quit the badx team. haix. i didn't even dare to face them and stayed in the cubicle for as long as they were there. smtimes i wonder. if anyone would be able to understand my situation. but fortunately, things took a turn today. haowen smsed me and we managed to talk a lil just now. things are better now. at least she told me not to worry about the team and stuff. and that it's my decision, so nobody's able to say anything. i stepped onto a path of no return and this time, i've made the decision and i'm not turning back, but only to commit myself to canoe and train really really hard. mr isaac lim's talk did help actually. was rather encouraging and enlightening. i mean. yeahh he did help me get on track and made me feel better as i was able to clear things btwn badx and stuff...coz things with mr liu's really awkward now. so yupps. at least things are cleared and the impression isn't that bad anymore. just wanna get on with what i've in hand now. quit council today with vince and things didn't turn out well. kinda irresponsible. but we had no choice. it was the best solution. i just hope such situations wouldn't crop up again. hopefully, we'll be settled down in our new cca and work hard tgt!

(completed 3rd set.) oooh. and i was so happy. he stayed back today! for me! right right. hehe. thankew dear. just for having ice cream with me at Gelare. hmm. oh yeahh. mr lim also asked him to join the other j2s for S paper. goodness. ahhhh! this's so scary. but tt's all his hard work and his goal all this while. i'm happy for ya. =) so yupps. he had strawberry paradise. which is really a paradise, and i had my baked waffle with choco ice cream! ooooh. it just tastes so nice. =D after which, we went to the bus stop to take a bus back to cj and then home. however, on the way, we kinda had a lil quarrel over some dumb thing which i dun wanna be reminded of. hmm. yeahh dun wish such things to affect us anymore. our love's worth more than that. (",)
but at the bus stop, i bumped into haowen and another badx team mate. so haowen was like asking me what happened and all. but i had to rush off so i replied her after that.

oh dear. smth bad happened though. sighh. on the way back, mumi called and she told me that she and uncle steve aren't tgt anymore. i was quite shocked to hear that and though i've heard abt her and him quareling a number of times, but i didn't expect things to be this bad. sighh. it's really difficult to maintain a long distance relationship. oh my. after so long, after so much of holding on... things just happen. JUST LIKE THAT. haix. i don't wanna separated from you, ever. i didn't know what to say then. and when she came back, she saw me online and wasn't happy either. oh my. can't i ever do smth to make mumi happy?? hmm. from today onwards, i shan't go online for unnecessary purposes anymore. "self-control!" (isaac lim) i must do tt!

and heyhey!! i finally understood chemical bonding. hahahaha. i'm so... i dunno!! too happy and relieved. nothing beats the joy of understanding and being able to know what the teacher is saying in class. phew.

fortunately, we were able to check for the earliest time slot for our one-star course, which is gonna be on this and next sunday. goodie! haha. and yayyy. we'll be going down to register tmr. i feel like a young pri sch child who's getting all excited over some field trip or smth. lol. so yupps. hopefully, and i pray, everything will go well tmr. had quite a tiring but nice day today. and i managed to stay awake for the whole day!! even during KBOng's tutorial! but... oops. i gotta catch up on my PHYSICS. yes. physics. sighh. catch ya soon!
last set completed! =D

niteyyy. *snuggle sunggle.

A time to reflect

2006-05-01T03:56:00.000-07:00

dear diary,
the past few months since 2006 started have flown past so fast that i hardly hav enough time for myself, friends and family. that's when it hit me. perhaps it's time to sit down and think of what has been happening to the people around me and how they are doing in their lives.

after what seemed like ages, i finally met up with keewei and sham. sighh. didn't get any pressie for keewei and i felt really horrible. =( WHAT A FRIEND. i owe you one babe! i will get a bday present for youuu. and anw, i was thinking of meeting up with vince at least for while today. but sighh. i guess he didn't want to. (i just missed him so! >.<) so yeahh sham kw and i met at cck control station and exchanged hugs.and guess wad. after we entered lot1, i saw some of my CC people. ahhhhh! i had to hide asap. oh mann. i felt so retarded. you see. i have been MIA for the many meetings at the CC. =X oh wells. so in the end, we managed to get outta lot1 and headed to fajar instead. settled down at macs and sham was desperately trying to contact fareez on the way. after a while, sham wanted to go and look for fareez at his block as we were very near his house. sham went ahead and kw and i shared a set meal. yumyum fries. Okay tt's besides the point. after which, we went to find sham. she was really helpless. fareez jus wouldn't answer her call. all she wanted to do was to meet fareez for the last time before he enters the field camp for the next 2wks. AND to pass a packet of his favourite biscuits for camp, which was really sweet of her. but wth. fareez just doesn't appreciate it. my best fren certainly doesn't deserve to be treated this way! she didn't do anything wrong in the first place. but i do understand her situation and like me, she has always chose to stay and hold on for love. after much waiting, fareez still wouldn't come down. sham broke down many times and we felt so helpless. there was nothing we could do. THEN my mum called. arghh. had to go home right away. booboo. and leave sham in the lurch. after giving her some comfort and a hug, i left with keewei. realised that it was raining on the way and started wondering how lin ming and his class is doing in sentosa. lol. not that i'm laughing at them, but sighh. it's a bad day for sentosa. =/ oh yes oh yes. hehe. and for almost the whole day, we were smsing each other, though i was out with my frens. wheeee. his sms-es make my day, always. :)) i love you.
and hey, that's my blog. don't quote from my bloggie okayyy. hehh hehh. but. i dun mind. =p

blehhh. dear diary, i can't take it anymore! all he cares is him getting a good bod at the end of the day. he's getting all geared and excited for canoe is coz of the thought of attaining a hot body and then being able to show off to girls. That's all he's looking forward to. oh mann. all you're excited about is getting a good bod.

dear, i'm so sorry. i agree and i understand that not everything is to be said vocally. i just needed some assurance coz time and again, i jus keep hearing you getting all excited for canoe just to get a hot body. fortunately we managed to cool things down and made things up again. yayyy. :) i'm just so glad that things changed over time. that we've learned not to just walk out or flare at each other anymore. (though yeahh, fights are inevitable) but we'll keep it to the minimum yes dear? :))

2006-04-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

dear, i know we've had lots of fights these few weeks, and all i want to say is that i'm sorry, even though i know you're probably sick and tired of me saying it. i know sometimes i can't give you what you want, and sometimes i really screw things up badly by making stupid comments with my tone of voice, but i just hope you can believe the fact that i really don't mean it. its just that when i'm angry i do stupid things, and i end up hurting you real bad. i just hope we can still continue the way we were. coz you're all that i ever need.

i'm sorry for the disappointment once again

2006-04-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

firstly, i'm really sorry for what i've brought to you once again. the unhappiness and disappointment. but i really didn't know. i thought you would understand coz i thought i heard you say i've no choice but to go back to badminton. i had no cca on the line then.

i know you were willing to give up smth for me and i were to do the same. and i am willing to. however, i'm in this already and i'm finding ways to get outta this. i don't know what to do. you know. it just hurts so much whenever you say tt both of us just don't cherish each other anymore. coz tt's not true at all. i know i do. and as much as i can, i give in to you and do whatever it takes to make you happy and push anything away to make time for both of us. just to spend time together. i treasure every moment i spend with you, everything i do with you. but for you to say that we don't cherish each other anymore jus breaks my heart. all i want is you, the one i love deep down, to feel cherished and cared for, as well as to see you happy once again.

many ppl told me i'll regret it one day shld i keep giving in to him as he isn't one tt treats me well. i keep hearing tt from so many ppl, even mumi. perhaps they're right, or maybe they just don't understand how much i'm willing to do for you, because i love you. and regardless of what others say, which i know you dun care, i'm still here with you. and i'll always be. i jus wanna let you know that i've never taken you for granted and that i appreciate every little thing, even looking up the net for the one-star course or helping me massage and relieve the stress in me for a while, or even looking back into bus 913 after i get on the bus everytime. i've never asked or expected for more. other girls have the privilege of being sent home every now and then, receive surprises and gifts once in a while. i've never even expected for all those. coz i understand that you're much too busy and stressed over other stuff. i know.

but you jus keep thinking that i'm some retarded girl who doesn't 'use her brains' and who just keeps taking you for granted and someone who doesn't understand you. IT'S REALLY HURTING ME. once again, i'm the one in the wrong. the one who doesn't know how to give in, the one who's asking for all this damn shit. dear diary, i'm always in the wrong! WHY? HAVE I DONE NOTHING RIGHT THAT DESERVES HIS LOVE AND APPRECIATION? time and again, i ask myself- why do i keep taking you back when you've hurt me so much to the point that the wound is so deep it could never heal? Why?? please. i don't expect anything. i just want you to know that i do cherish you and you're someone who will always be special to me. someone whom i'll never give up fighting for. the words i said to you- i love you- carry a deep and special meaning and not words that are said just for the sake of that moment. those words mean forever. say it like you mean it to be a lifetime. i can tell you that i'll love you, no matter what it takes and how things turn out to be in future. but are you able to do the same? are you?

no matter what you did-anything and everything- i've never once walked out on you, though you did countless times. my mind tells me i should, as i clearly didn't need to go through all the hurt and pain. but my heart stops me so. i just couldn't bring myself to walk out depsite countless times of you asking me to. and regardless of the sudden blows i received from you. all i could do was to stand there in silence and wait for you to vent everything. until you were back to the pwiince vince i used to know. until i'm back in your arms again.

have you ever wondered. have you ever thought of what i do, what happens or what goes on in my mind during the 1hr trip home from your house everytime? sometimes, i just wish and hope and carry on wishing that... i don't know. some miracle would happen and you'd do smth that would surprise me and make me feel that you're not taking the 1hr ride home for granted. as if the 1hr trip is like a normal routine to me, that it doesn't matter to me at all. tt it's like smth i'm expected to do. please don't say that i'm the one who choose to go over to your house. No i certainly don't mind going over now, tmr, or anytime.

whenever i go to his house and sees his table almost empty, it reminds me of all the lil things i gave him that have been torn apart and shredded into pieces and never to be seen again. it does upset me alot. it does. but i can't let him know as he'll say that i asked for it. that it was me who pushed him to the limit to do such a thing. oh how much it hurts... the glass, the card, the lil book, the letter, the shoe bag... everything. those aren't just phsyical objects! each and every one of them represent my love and thoughts of you. i went from shop to shop in America, with just YOU in mind. to get you something nice. smth that'll remind you of me when you look at it. the letters and cards aren't just leisure writing for your information. i took the effort and hours of time to get them done, hoping that they'll brighten your day. BUT did they? i guess they never did.

last but not least, ever since this morning, i wanted to thank you for making the choice of giving fencing up and to join canoeing with me. and i'm really glad tt you were willing to come up with that solution, as the best cca is still one that's with you. esp when you kept bringing it up and even suggesting to search and go for the one-star course by ourselves. i was really touched and happy when i saw how much it really meant to you. speak to me nicely please. let me know when you're unhappy. don't snap at me. don't ignore me. don't be cold to me. don't give me that rough treatment. don't push me around-literally.

i've had a lil too much too say. but at least i've said it all. not tt anyone will read anw. shooo. (:

"I've been the fool, the fool for you.
Haven't I been the fool? I've become so selfless that whatever I do, all I can think about is you & for your good. I want the best for you. I agree that I've been selfish about some issues but you know what? I still let you have what you desire. Perhaps this isn't the way to handle this but I would rather get locked up inside than losing you. Simply because, I love you more than anyone else."
Chemistry cannot explain this burning I feel inside.
You've catalyzed a titration that nebulized my mind.

wells. to all free and single souls out there, yes being a swinging single is fun but being attached is ten times better. sacrificing your freedom for someone who really and truly loves you is nothing. in fact, if you truly love him, you wont feel a thing at all. you would just want to be with him every second of the day, you cant help breaking out into a smile at the mere thought of him and you wouldn't mind giving your all to him. yeah thats love alright. let's face it, at the end of the day, everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants a shoulder that they can cry on, someone who'll always be there for them rain or shine, someone who'll support them no matter what. no one wants to be abandoned, left on the shelf to rot. the world could always use a little love. after all, love does make the world go round.

please know that no matter what's gonna happen from now on, we'll abide it together and I'm always here, loving you still. I'm still willing to go through everything with you, no matter how painful is it gonna get. Time for us is bounded & we'll not let this get in our way. I would be more understanding from now. Please forgive me for the wrong doings and times when I made you felt negative. I still love you the same, like how I did from the day I fell in love with you.

Though it's the hardest thing to say, I'll miss your love in every way
If it be love indeed, light the path for us. I pray.

dear diary, he said it 5times to me today! he did. :) and i know he meant it. then. there were many actions and things he said that made me feel really good today. just by staying close to me throughout the day, from macs to his house, just makes me feel really warm. :)) (though i wasn't exactly wearing alot today. ok tt sounds wrong) nitey nite and sweet dreams! snuggle sunggle.s!

day passed fast. but in a nice way=)

2006-04-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

heyhey. today passed rather quickly as i spent almost e whole day with him at his house. met him at cj's bus stop at 12plus and headed to CP to get our shoe bags! yeahh mine's the blueee one. his's grey in colour. same design though. but STILL. i'm not happy. =( sighh. oh wells. he doesn't like it. i can't force anything.
and yes yes! smth really niceeee made my day today. when he alighted from the bus, he asked if it was too late to join canoe. and i was so surprised, wondering what it was with canoe suddenly. and he said he thought of joining canoe with me if it was possible. of coz it's possible!! =) wheee. i was on cloud nine as i was really glad tt he thought of joining canoe with me. however, i guess i was thinking too much agn. he wanted to train up his biceps and six pack and be able to show off show off his strong bod in future. =D haha. in any case, i'll be there to push you on during training yea! just hope tt the tch would take us in for the one-star course and tt it's not too late... sighh.
so yupps. anw, went to his house and started mugging. arghh. had so much trouble with binomial. boooo. i'm jus so lousy at it! but at least had him to consult. much clearer now. it helped. thanks. and after a while, farhan msged, asking to meet up to catch up and stuff. i agreed initially, thinking tt it wouldn't bother him or... i dunno what i was doing also. i preferred to stay and spend e whole day with him rather than go out with someone else of coz, but i agreed anw. blehh. so in the end when i told him abt it, he seemed quite disturbed by it. i'm sorry. sighh. shldn't have agreed to go in the first place. so i cancelled the meeting up and stayed on with him.(: after mugging for what seemed like decades, we settled to watch a movie! haha. it was really scary and some parts, gruesome. but overall, it was quite nice. at least debbie didn't fall asleep. hehe. but yeahh. it's abt this father and his family and medicine company. i found the part when the lil daughter told her dad abt her mum committing suicide and only being able to see her when candles are lit. oh my. i almost teared. a lil girl, left all alone in this world. sighh. you never know who'll leave you the nx moment. dunno why. i jus felt tt way outta the sudden...
hmm.after the show, we jus lay there slacking for the next hour. his mum came back then. he was reading his magazine while i was there rolling on the bed. lol. felt so restless but it felt so right jus being nx to him. :) i wished time wouldn't pass so fast then. one thing happened tt made me smile- we were lying there, facing each other in e opposite direction and he whispered 'iloveyou' to me. :)) wheee. i was so happy inside. jus at tt moment, his mum called for him. honestly, i dunno how to feel, whether i'm being fooled agn. i dunno how to feel. i'm afraid.

so at 6plus, i went home and on the way, i was really tired and fell aslp on the train agn. was extremely exhausted can. could hardly walk properly and open my eyes. arghh. den on the train, smth really funny happened.haha. there was a couple who was seated in front of me and the guy was like doing some retarded action and i mean it. ya know, those kinda actions which you show lil kids. haha! so i was like smirking in front of him, thinking tt they didn't notice it or smth. but unfortunately, the lady saw me and whispered smth to him. and instead of feeling embarassed, he continued doing more silly actions and this time, to me! oh mann. and they were like 'communicating' with me. gawd. it was so hilarious. i felt kinda embarassed. =X

when i reached home, all my aunties and cousins were there. so noisy but boistered with life. whooo. and as usual, isaac was using e com and playing with my cousins. after dinner, i went to my bedroom and jus sat there and STONE. dunno what was wrong with me. think i jus felt really tired and needed some time to myself, after so long. was smsing him but fell aslp. i woke up with yongchang calling me to inform me tt there's gonna be an online meeting tmr at 9am. arghh. of all days. and i can't meet him tmr morning for a swim... =( so jus hafta stay home i guess. but it's okie. will be meeting weehoe and gang tmr at KAP for a gp study session!

mumi jus showed me 2 phone models which i'll be considering. it's either nokia 6280 or SE K608i. both are jus as nice. but SE is rather plain. only available in black. and i can't flip or slide it! =( not sure abt which to choose. gotta make my choice by tmr. coz mumi will be buying it online. help me!

alritey. bedtime now. feeling a lil hungry actually. =X shall update soon!
nitey and sweet dreams dear diary. :)
___________________________________

but i've tried so hard to tell myself that
you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Look me in the eye, and tell me that you're happy now.

colours added. then left in darkness.

2006-04-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

dear dear diary.i'm gonna rattle on and on.whatever it is.abt what's happened and what has been going on.i dunno what to say.where to start.but i guess i gotta let this out.and guess wad.i'm very sure he kinda blocked me on msn.sighh.i really dunno how i'm feeling now.numbed.by pain and hurt and disappointment.i've been hurt and played enough.
i can give everything up.sacrifice everything.my passion.time.effort.friends.chance for pre-u.just abt everything.whenever you're unhappy abt smth, i'm willing to change.willing to give up anything.just to see you by my side again.

but now.all i ask for is another wk of badz tourney tt'll make me happy.

it's e 28th of april today.10.45pm.the above section of crapp was actually written over the past few days.bleeaaaah.oh whatever.

so many things happened over the past wk.and i'm feeling really tired.stressed out.i'm really tired of having to think abt what he's doing. whether my actions will piss him off or things like tt.whether i'm gonna hav another blow from him-physically or mentally.i just feel tt i'm no longer someone in his heart anymore. no longer someone he really cherishes. no longer... i dunno dear diary. i dunno! i seem to break down whenever i think of him- the cold way he treats me.the hurt he brought me.the promises and words he said to me.that he'll be there for me, tt i'm e one he wants to be for e rest of his life, tt he loves me.
dear diary, i can't go on this way. i can't. it's too much for me. i wanna be happy again. i wanna feel special again. i wanna be cared for. i need his warm arms ard me again. to tell me tt i'm someone special, tt i'm a part in his life. but does he ever say tt to me anymore? NO. the ans is NO.

the above post is crapp.ignore.

2006-04-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

boooo. don't feel like blogging.
anw. oO <--- that's what she typed to him. blehh. go awayyy.

what a day.

2006-04-03T05:33:00.000-07:00

as i stood there waiting,
the raindrops became bigger.
but he'll never know that i had been waiting there for such a long time. i could brave the strog physical weather for him. for whatever it takes. but does he ever know? does it ever change how he feels towards me? never.

isaac had his wushu competition today and poor him had his fingers injured due to the slamming of the door. and his fingers were like swollen. all 3of them. oh my. it hurts so much. poor boy... :( hope his fingers will be back to normal again.

he'll never cherish me. never take me for serious. but has always been taking me for granted. totally. if you wanna leave, then pls. go ahead. if you do love me, stay and cherish me. love me like how you really do deep down. Let me know...

it's gone.

2006-03-30T03:16:00.000-08:00

I WANNA GET INTO COUNCIL! VOTE FOR ME PLEASE!
but i know it's impossible. goshh. i'm like NOBODY in cjc. yeah thanks alot mann. like how the heck am i to get into council? this's so wrong. =(
like how am i gonna get into council? i wasn't even from first intake. arghhh. but i'm gonna make them SEE that it's POSSIBLE. wooooots. (i'm dreaming...) haha.

So anyway. it's all over now. yupps. all gone. all goneeee. to jacqueline? i guess so. but oh wells. good luck then.

To think I gave my all.
Every single breath.
Loved with my heart and soul.
Every ounce.
Maybe I didn't do enough.

But you were the best.
The very best.
No one could have asked for more.
Like I said before, whoever she might be.
She would be the luckiest girl in the world.
Remembered forever, always, I promise.
Wounds so deep that the scars will never heal.
Broken, this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces.
Cheated? I don't know.
Shattered? Definetely.
Hurt? Yes, deeply.
You owe me answers.
I deserve that.

FENCING!

2006-03-26T05:43:00.000-08:00

haha. decided to blog abt something NEW. yeah FENCING! fencing rocks okayy. I'd just love to stay on in fencing but it's the cost that's pulling me back. it costs $800 for a girl's equipment and stuff. sighh. and i've asked mumi but she just wouldn't approve of me going for fencing due to the high cost. BUT I LIKE IT! =(

had our first fencing training on saturday morning at fencing masters. it's situated somewhere in the Ubi Ind estate. so ulooo mann. but anyhow, at least i had him for company during fencing training. and though it's just the first training, we got the coach's attention. or shld i say, blacklisted. haha. we were partners throughout the whole training and there was one actvity in which i was supposed to walk front and him controlling the ah-bei facing me as the ah bei is rested on my chest. HOWEVER... we did it the wrong way! i started walking backwards while he controlled by walking in front. haha. and the best part was we didn't realise it until after the exercise. It was so embarrassing. like totally! the coach said as he pointed at vince, "must take note of you. yes you." blehh. =

But overall, I just enjoy fencing so much as it's just so NICE. haha. yeahh the seniors are super nice, the coach is great, the ppl there are also friendly enough. wheeee! the environment is just so nice! and i sooo totally absolutely enjoy the exercises we do for fencing. but the bad thing abt it is when we've to sit there for more than half an hr just looking at the seniors spar. boooo. (psst. gets quite boring after some time. =X) All in all, fencing still rocks! But he rocks more. And debdeb rocks the MOST. hehe =D

the best thing was that he was with me THROUGHOUT the training. which i really like and appreciate. thankew dear =)

he's giving me the cold shoulder once again. I don't know why and what happened but i guess that's the way it is. I can never expect him to love me as much again. Everything that he said before were just crap. crap. crap. oh wells. forget it.
My family matters more :)

gone.

2006-03-25T21:22:00.000-08:00

i don't know how to feel, to react, to respond
when i know that he'll be gone.
i don't know when
i don't know how
i don't know why
but i know for sure
that he has lost it all.
everything that he has said
everything that he promised
everything we agreed
to work things out
to stay together till the very end
are gone. gone. gone.
and never to be fulfilled.

dear dear diary,
even his fren from his cls could tell me "i still feel that he should treat you better." Sometimes I just ask myself and start wondering- why do i still hold so much love for this particular guy when he has given me so much hurt and pain? oh wells. maybe the reason is simple. that i just. love him. i know i may probably be in self-denial, that he loves me and he cares. just that he doesn't show it. i told myself that many many many countless times since a mth after we started. which means it has been 3months since i started this self-assurance thingy. dear diary, i really don't know. i really don't. if he loves me, he would CARE and not treat me this way. Only having me with him when he wants it. As and when he likes it. I don't get it. Don't play with me. Love me truthfully. Love me like how you wanna be with me. Love me like how you did 4mths ago.

If you wanna move on, go ahead. I won't say anything. Just inform me. I'll wish you goodbye with sincerity.
After what happened today, I'm sure you're feeling worse coz after all, claire appeals to you more than I do. You may have regretted being with me 4mths ago but feel that you can't walk out right now. However, it's alrite. I'd rather you walk out now and be happy with someone else than seeing you so unhappy being with me. Don't say I'm making assumptions. Coz when I asked you honestly, you weren't even able to tell me who's the special one to you. Just don't hurt me. Don't.

i'm feeling really weak and hopeless now. physically and mentally. Stop it debbie. Stop feeling this way. Just let it go. Don't apply self-destruction onto yourself.
I'M STRONG.

trust.

2006-03-22T05:51:00.000-08:00

what's it with trust? and how does it come about?

dear diary,
i've so much to say and spill out that i dunno how to and if i'll have the time to. But i'm so glad that at least i've someone i could spend the day with, just someone to be there... without having to say much. In fact, this special person needn't have to understand at all, but could just be there beside me all the while. With no words, no special touches, no nothing. =) Just two simple people walking down the street on a cloudy and moody late afternoon. :)
i'm just afraid that one day, i'll lose this really good friend of mine. maybe one day, he'll walk away from me... one day.

I really appreciate that letter you wrote for me. though i'm not sure if the song's specially for me. but i like it anyhow. Thank you. =)

Till the end (for you)

2006-03-18T03:37:00.000-08:00

All this precious moment
With you by my side
Must be a gift from heaven
There's hope in me all night
I don't know how i found you
I'm thankful that i have
That I have a love so true
To hold to keep to share
In my heart
I can no longer hold inside
All of the love I used to hide
I'll always be with you until the very end
In this world
There is no place I'd rather be
You are my life my soul my girl
And through it all
I know you come to see
That you are the one till the end
(we'll always be till the end)

All my friends around me
Say you'll be gone too soon
Baby I am gonna make them see
We'll find our way back home

VJC

2006-03-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

Though things don't always go the way we want them to, i just want to let you know that i've always been here for you. i've never left. i've never walked out. and i never will.

things aren't going tt well again. this's clearly shit. it's so unfair to me. now that there's a possibility for me to enter one of the best jcs in singapore, i plan not to. firstly, it's due to the chance of taking H3 paper. secondly of course, is the pressure and stress i'll be facing there. Just imagine the number of geniuses i'll have to compete with. and alrite alrite. the last reason would be coz of him. i dun like to admit it but, yeah.
yes of course i would like to have tt kinda 'name' and reputation in VJC, but when i think of it again, i'd rather stay on in cjc. I've already made up my mind to stay there since the day i appealed and shall not consider other options. Yes i know it's silly to let such a chance go, but tt isn't e issue. well, if i'd been in vjc since orientation, den of course i'd stay on and not go to cjc or smth, but now tt i'm already comfortable in cjc and so determined to stay on, i shan't move. NO i will not move to VJC!

oh wells. just bored.

2006-02-27T03:08:00.000-08:00

i'm so totally gonna miss him truckloads.
miss him LOTS.

-read this from someone's blog. (not the last line though)

got it from melvin...
bones have to grow
and age it shows
though we try and hide it
inside
she's loving him still
after all this time

How i feel now.

2006-02-19T01:12:00.000-08:00

A stab in my heart
So deep it could break
so painful I can't breathe
i go to bed with a wet pillow every night
watery eyes
as i cry myself to sleep
through the night
with the stars upon me.
The hurt, pain and unhappiness
has been living within me.
And it'll never be gone until this's resolved.
A smile on my face, i never see.
The 3 words from him, i never hear.
A cal from him, I never receive.
And now as I write on,
the urge and ache hits me again.
I am unable to hold it in any longer, anymore.
Stop.
Just stop making me feel this way.
Where'd all the true words and promises that were filled with hope go to?
Stop doing this to me.

GUILT.

2006-02-18T23:52:00.000-08:00

i just felt like blogging on what i did ytd. something horrible and wrong. i hit my brother repeatedly. yeah just coz he didn't allow me to switch off the com. he wasn't allowed to touch the com but the moment he came back, he started accessing the com as mumi wasn't home then. I was in a rush and wanted to switch off the com but he didn't allow me to. He pushed my hand away and i don'tknow what came over me but i really couldn't take it anymore and hit him hard on his arm, pushing him away from the com. i started screaming away and finally shut the com down. And he ran away crying and scolding me a retard and stupid. i couldn't take it and hit him agn. he hit back and it followed. in the end i just stomped away and outta the house. i felt really bad and frustrated...
when i came back last nite, mumi told me tt isaac's sick. he felt giddy after a blow on the head from me. but i didn't hit his head! i rmb i didn't. if i did, i just wanna say tt i'm really sorry. isaac,jie didn't mean to hit you on your head or even lay my hand on you. i wun do tt agn. i won't.

quotes

2006-02-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

"Once you have loved, you will always love.
For what's in your mind may escape
but what's in your heart will remain forever."

"The worst way to miss someone
is to be sitting right beside her knowing you can't have him,
see him or be with him ever again."

"Find time to realize that there is one person
who means so much to you,
for you might wake up one morning losing that person
who you thought meant nothing to you."

And that's what i wanna say.

2006-02-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

stop taking or trying to take something which is not yours,
stop acting nice and trying to get close
stop being so fake
just stop.

=)

He clung to her and refused to let go.
"It's been almost 5 months," he whispered, "Let's stay this way."

It's not about the waiting.
If you love someone, you love someone.
If you really love someone, you'll wait.
Yes, you'll wait, whether you intend to or not.
Don't continue loving someone for the sake of waiting.
Don't continue waiting for the sake of loving someone either.
Love because you love.

tears stream down every night.

2006-02-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

Everything's fine now i guess.
I'm tired of always blogging about everything he does to hurt me.
and yes, once again, he's making me cry and scream silently in pain every night.
why am i letting myself to this state?? why??
i really don't deserve this at all. NO i don't.
why must things turn out this way.
why must there be another third party coming in btwn us?
why is it that it's xiu ting, another girl, who's the one to cheer him up and make his day whenever he's feeling down?

WHY?? WHY ISN'T IT ME.

it hurts. it does. free me please.
somebody.help me. please. free me from this pain.

i can't go on this way.

--> listening to: When You Tell Me You Love Me

2006-02-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
stop using your msn nick in such stupid use
XiNgxnG ™ ----->[i'm content]<----- still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
dun worry. it's gone now
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
be smart
XiNgxnG ™ ----->[i'm content]<----- still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
yeah be smart too.
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
have anyone told you, you can be very annoying sometime?
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
you have never been there
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
i have never??
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
i got something on
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
i've always tried to be there in any way i could
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
when you were sick, i made sure you were well
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
whenever things didn't turn out well in sch, i tried my best to make your day
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
if there was anything you were upset in, i always wanted to know. i care
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
you make it worse okay
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
i was looking forward to tmr, and you had to make a date with someone
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
i choose to meet someone else if you wnana put it in another way
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
when you told me to fuck off, i didn'd bother you
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
i care, but you pushed me away
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
forget it XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
is it coz you found someone else?
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says: yes yes yes
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
stop bothering me over this
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
you want a "yes" answer
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
i am giving it to you now XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
i don't want it!!
XiNgxnG ™ still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
i don't wish to hear a 'yes'
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
then stop askign me ____________________________________________________________________ He said i was never there. why?? why's he treating me this way? coz we're from 2 different worlds. that's what he told me. and that's what ck told me too. I just don't believe that he's a bad guy inside. call me stupid call me dumb call me stubborn, but as long as i have the chance to, i shall help him find e path to happiness. WHY AM I STILL DOING ALL THIS SHIT? IT'LL COME A DAY WHEN I'LL JUST GIVE IT ALL UP. he came back to me, and now he's going away. DON'T!!! DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Hate the sin. Love the sinner.
It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.

=D =(

2006-02-11T08:26:00.000-08:00

firstly, i'm really really glad and overjoyed that i got 10points for my Os!! woo-hoo! finally!! i'm just so relieved. really. i'm also truly happy for my friends like jerilyn and yanshan. they got 6 and 10!! cherilyn got 12, which was quite gd too. sham didn't do worse than her prelims, which was rather gd too. i'm just so happy for everyone. however, vince got 11, smth which was totally unexpected. he doesn't well deserve... and i don't know what to say. the following shall do the explaining.

1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
stop playing as though you know everything
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
stop mentioning about him
XiNgxnG ™ ----->[i'm content]<----- still SAJC. [OG22.SAINTS.06S08] says:
yes i may not know everything, but at least i'm aware of some things
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
debbie leong
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
can you jsut fuck off
1St: SAJC, 2ND: ACJC, 3RD: CJC Actual RAW SCORE: 11, hope can sajc or acjc. O LVL IS SUCH A SCREW UP says:
you are becoming such a pain in an ass

ecard

2006-02-09T04:55:00.000-08:00

dear vince,
Love takes two to make it work. I'm sorry if I haven't been doing my part. Of the things that mean the most, you are the most important and I'm sorry that I let you down. Let's try this again with hearts anew. Let's give US another chance.I never thought i'd have to search for an ecard under the 'Sorry' section, but well, I gotta make things up this time. I don't know if you're willing to give us another chance but I sincerely hope you do. I just wish that I'll be able to be there to cheer you up or make your day, but then again, i know i gotta be mature and practical about this. I hate to say this, but if you're really unhappy abt being with me and unwilling to give us a chance, do let me know. I'll understand. But, nono.. I hope I don't have to face this cruel fact at all. I can understand that it's difficult for you to trust me again as i've upsetted you many times,but I told myself tt i'll grow up and be more mature in handling things. I know all this takes time and I'm not here to rush things or put any extra stress on you. It's okay... 'cause i'll always be here for you whenever i can. If possible, do take a second look at those little gifts tt i gave you.they're small but significant. the card, glass,notebook,shoe bag... though they may seem like simple or cheapskate stuff, they mean smth special which are only meant for you alrite. Most importantly my dear, follow your heart. As much as I want to make things work out, I want to see you happy too. And I really mean it. Lastly, I don't know if I should say this but... I guess it's better not to. I've given and said everything I can possible give and say. I just want to let you know that I've been praying, wishing and hoping that you're the one for me, spending time and energy reflecting on how I've been as a person. I'm not someone perfect, but I do give my best in everything... in terms of studies, school stuff, friends, and relationships. The bad part is that I don't treat such things lightly as some of my frens advised me to, and I end up not able to let things go easily. I know that sometimes things don't go smoothly and when tt happens, there's another better person who suddenly appears in your life... etc. but i want to let you know tt currently, i still have trust in you. okay tt's not e point. I'm being as long-winded as your great-grandma now but hey, i've cut it down already. hehe.=D Remember- follow your heart.
love,debbie

This's the card, which i sent to him the previous time we fell out. dear diary, it's over. it's over. it is.

it's the start to a new journey

2006-02-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

For this 2mths plus, i feel as if i've been under some kinda spell, some kinda trance, something that i've fallen very deeply into and got trapped somehow. Now, i find it so difficult to get myself outta this deeeeep hole. yeah maybe one day i will see light again, when i can actually find enough courage and determination to get outta it. =)
that's all i'd like to say about it for now becoz i'm trying my hardest to numb myself from what's happening and the shit that i'm getting from this as*hole. haha. it's logical isn't it? shit- from an as*hole. oooh. makes a whole lotta sense. oh wells. everything's over. just like that.

i really don't know why and what's wrong. why is it that i'm one girl who can't seem to stay long with a guy? and it always ends up in the same way... that he's sick and tired about everything and that i end up as someone who's just a bother to him. it's like i always tend to make the other party give it all up between us. dear diary, i don't want... and i won't ever have the courage to step into another relationship ever. at least, not till i'm out working, when i can actually open up my big eyes and look carefully. NO. means no. this's not the first time. i've had enough, really. i know mumi may say tt i've said this many times but i keep moving on like nothing happened, like i said nothing at all. However, this time it's different, because i know tt this time i'm not at fault and there's nothing for me to learn in terms of being a gd lifetime partner or anything. In fact, yeah maybe I was wrong in falling too easily. but i'm sorry. I've totally given up in finding the right one (at least for now). I can no longer believe in any guy now, no longer able to trust in any guy and never able to take in those promises that anyone ever makes in future. rayson promised me everything, gave me all that i could ever ask for, showed me care and concern and brought true joy and happiness to my life. vince promised me a lifetime of happiness, made me feel cherished and loved like never before, showed me how it's like to see things in life in a mature perspective and someone who brought warmth.just nice and comforting warmth... to me. he gave me a taste of fantasy in a fairytale and also a taste of the harsh reality. Who's to know such a thing would happen? I can never take anyone's sweeeet honeyed words anymore. never.

gonna crash cjc tmr. alone. booo. had a tough time trying to look for someone to help me out tmr. and after hours of searching, i managed to get priscilla! i'll be going to potong pasir mrt stn to get the IJ uniform from mirabel first before heading to cjc. woo-hoo! i'm sooo excited. and the day after that, we'll be going to get our results! oops. i think i'd better let mumi know tmr morning before i leave. it's not right to do that...

i'll not lose heart

2006-02-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough
If we learn to trust

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'll give my dreams just one more chance
To let this be our last goodbye

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

the above is just a couple of verses from this song: Only Love

I've no idea why i'm actually doing this at all but again, it's all for him. once again, he tells me all about the pleasure and joy he finds in condemning peeple but actually feeling good about it. i don't know what, why, how and when he had this particular image or mask of himself. Time tells, my friend. it does. i've a feeling tt probably i'm reading too much into this and that maybe he's not really tt horrible as he claims to be or as how i perceive it. however, i actually heard it from his own mouth that he enjoys and doesn't care much about how others feel when they're condemned just because it's not him getting hurt.

hey vince, look here. i'm not talking about daryl or any person you detest and condemn to the core, but YOU. daryl is my good friend and a nice person too, at least from what i know during this one mth. but he one thing's for sure- he doesn't well deserve all this shit from you ppl. and if others don't do it, it doesn't mean you have to. i know everyone has heard this line over and over again, but it's true. at least in this case. if someone starts to talk abt this particular person and you happen not to like him for some heck reason, umm. well it's okay to "express your views" abt him and just say anything you feel about him, but not going around telling others about his problems. yeah of course i know it IS indeed funny and actually entertaining to talk and laugh over some ppl, but at e end of e day, you'll still feel really bad about it as you know that you won't like ppl talking bad about you too.

What goes around comes around. and yes, i know you may say that these ppl ought to be condemned and tt you don't care abt how they feel as you're the one who's calling the shots now. my dear vince, i know you've gone through and experienced what others will never have to go through in their lives, but don't. don't let that affect how you turn out to be as a person. It's not only you who went through all that shit my dear. i experienced similar to what you went through too. don't seek revenge. please. it'll not do you any good at the end of the day, trust me. YOU know how it feels to be condemned. don't do it to others.! seek to UNDERSTAND them. everything happens for a reason, and i'm sure everyone has their own reasons. i once hated this person and condemned him to the max. i couldn't stand the sight of him or even the thought of him. but one night changed it all. all this while i only had one mindset abt him, that he was a loser in sch and nobody actually bothers much abt him. i was wrong. after that night, i understood everything, why, how and what made him such a person he is now. and i found out that he isn't that bad a person i thought he was after all. i could even tell my fren who detested him to change her mindset, though i kept the guy's personal stuff to myself. do try to understand them. and ask yourself: what exactly is it that you dun like of them? why do you dislike them so much? if they're really horrible ppl, then fine, stay away from them. that's all.

BE a person with moral values. I know you are fond of xiuting. it's a fact that can't be denied and i don't wish to deceive myself too. It's a painful fact, but it's the truth. She's also one girl with values and someone who may be the right one for you after all this while. she may be the one, who will be able to understand you fully and bring out the best in you. it's okay. i've learnt to be more mature in such stuff already and will just see things in a better light. I really love you and thus all I wish to see is you being truthfully and sincerely happy. you just have no idea how it feels to have tt jealousy prick into you as you feel the hurt whenever you speak of xt and you being so close and knowing that it's another girl who's always by your side, there for you... and not me. up to this stage, i really don't know if I'm being dumb or just dumb, seriously. I feel as if I'm the only one treating this whole thing seriously. If I don't mean anything much to you, make it clear to me. I really feel like a total dumbo, to have told you about daryl's confession. i can only blame myself to trust you with everything. you're a person, whom i've yet to know deep within. and when the day comes to which i see the whole of you, i know i'll be the one suffering in pain and feeling hurt. but i don't care. you are someone special to me, just like how sham is someone who matters alot to me. and i'll do whatever it takes to protect you and stop you from being upset or broken up inside. i know i mean NOTHING to you now. someone insignificant whom you just can't wait to get rid of. let me know, and i'll go. why did i still stick with sham even after I know she can be nasty to ppl? NO. please. it isn't coz i wanna GAIN smth from her. it isn't true. she just happened to be my bestie and all i want is her to stay happy and enjoy her life in the right way. i know i've no control over anyone's life and i know i'm not some almight great master, but i do hope i can make an impact on ppl's lives and make them realise true happiness.

yeah i sound like some great master or smth rite. i know. tt's what mumi always says.tt i can't even take care of my own problems but yet i think i'm so great. i do think of isaac and mumi too. but mumi, sometimes being a teenager, i wanna be accepted, i wanna be with my friends, to have fun. and i'm sorry, for not being able to control myself well and pushing my limits too far at times. i'm really sorry. but i'm really trying to be as gd a person as a i am now. i know isaac suffers alot too, as only a p6 boy. he went through some phases in life which a normal p6 boy isn't supposed to be going through. and i do feel sad for him. i do. i'm so sorry isaac, tt your sister here isn't a good one. one who doesn't know how to show my care and concern for you but only to outsiders. but do you know.tt i pray hard for you and mumi every nite. i just wanna see ppl ard me living life the way they know they will not regret it in their late years.

why am i holding on? why? why?? tell me why, dear diary... tell me!! why do i bother holding on to this painful relationship tt brings me tears every single night? i'm just waiting for the Os to be released, so that i'll be able to know if things btwn me and vince are ever gonna work out. i really hope it does. i lost rayson and i don't ever wanna lose someone i love again. but if we're just not meant to be.. like if he starts to fall for xiuting or anything like tt, i'll just have to let him go. but of course, i don't wish this to turn out to be a one-sided affair.

as for daryl, i can't deny that he's a nice person and someone whom i can be really close to, but i guess we're just friends and we'll stay as that, at least for e time being. it has only been a month...

*-- trying my best. i'll not lose heart. i'll still be here for you shld you need someone to understand. i don't mind suffering in the end of it all.

The End

2006-01-20T23:51:00.000-08:00

I wonder if you know how special you are to me.
Wonder if it shows how wonderful I think you are,
or how many times a day I think of you.
Or how excited I feel whenever I look forward to being with you and holding you close.
I wonder if you can read my mind or see into my heart and know how happy I am to have you in my life.
Sometimes I don't know how to let you know...
But if I ever imagined someone perfect for me,
to be my love and share my life,
it would be someone exactly like you...
And i wondered if you knew.

Everything has to come an end one day, especially happy moments. It was just joy which i'd call short-lived happiness. I was really happy though, but it never lasts. =)
So yeahh.It's time for a 'second day', which everything starts anew. Life goes on. So... on goes my SECOND new blog! yepp.i'll be updating everything in that new bloggie of mine. To this blog--> tata!

--* however, memories do remain. forever.

quotes (2)

2006-01-11T22:44:00.000-08:00

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE:

Be great in act, as you have been in thought.

He who has injured thee was either stronger or weaker than thee. if weaker, spare him. If stronger, spare thyself.

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.

I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.

Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word.

It is not enough to help the feeble up, but to support him after.

RANDOM:

There is no remedy for love but to love more.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

There are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet.

Sometimes the measure of friendship isn't your ability to not harm but your capacity to forgive the things done to you and ask forgiveness for your own mistakes.

Leadership is based on inspiration, not domination; on cooperation, not intimidation.

Nothing is easy to the unwilling.

The greatest achievement and pleasure is doing what people say you cannot do.

It's so easy to be wicked without knowing is, isn't it?

Each decision we make, each action we take, is born out of an intention.

Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.

i'm never someone good.

2006-01-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'm never someone good. i've never done anything right. always the immature and insensible and unreasonable and world's most horrible friend and worst daughter. i've lost everything one can ever ask for. i can't do a single thing right, can't make a single person on earth happy or even smile. who am i??? after 16yrs in this world, i bring nothing but unhappiness to the ppl ard me. why?? god, why?? Am i the epitome of evil? or unhappiness?
why can't i seem to get things right? i guess sometimes questions like these just keep hitting you, which you can't seem to comprehend. I don't even ask for much. All i wanted was for someone to be there for me, to cherish me, to hold me close, cheer me up, give me a big warm hug whenever i'm feeling down and i'm sure all these come easily and naturally if tt someone truly LOVES me. and in turn, i'd give anything and everything tt i can possibly have to offer to the person i love.
mumi's doing this to me, and now... i dunno. myself? DEBBIE,WAKE UP. THERE'S NO ONE, NOBODY THERE LEFT TO PULL YOURSELF UP. YOU GOTTA STAND UP YOURSELF EVEN IF IT MEANS TO FALL BACK AGAIN. NO TEARS GIRL. NO SELF-PITY. COMEON. WAKEEEEE UPPPP.

yes yes yes. debbie debbie debbie, you'll be fine, just like how you always will be. be strong, be mature, be sensible, be understanding, learn to have faith and trust in others, and most importantly, GROW UP. pleaseee!!

quotes

2006-01-09T03:09:00.000-08:00

Everything happened so naturally, just like we were meant to be.

Loving someone means to love with forgiveness, acceptance and care.

Love reminds you that nothing else matters.

Love is smiling on the inside and out.

A Friend's Love says:" If you ever need anything,I'll be there."
True Love says:" Even though you'll never need anything, I'll be there."

One look
One smile
One touch
One embrace
One kiss
One love
Two people
Two minds
Two souls
Two destinies
One road
One journey
One ending
Together.

The way to love anything is to realise it might be lost.

I wait for you,anxious to see your face.
I stand and watch,looking for the first sign of your arrival.
I finally see you,I take a second look to make sure you're really there.
My pulse races and I crack a smile,this is what I've been waiting for.
You begin to approach,you say, "Sorry, I'm late."
I say, "No problem."But I think to myself, 'I'd have waited forever.'

The past cannot be changed,the future is still in your power.

Don't let today's disappointmentscast a shadow on tomorrow's dreams.

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
and finds in your presence that life is worth while.
So when you are lonely, remember it's true
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.

Every morning starts beautifully
with the sound of your sweet voice from a phone call.
It's second best to actually embracing you in my arms,
under the covers that protect us from the chill that lies outside.
Your melodic wake-up laughter over the phone is second best
to the overwhelming smile I see in the morning,
when I hold you in my arms
after having spent another wonderful night with you.
Your "I Love You"s over the phone
always make me smile and hold the phone tighter,
second best to looking into your eyes with those words,
and being able to deeply kiss you afterwards,
sending a chilling warmth throughout our bodies.
But with you... you are my #1.
The closest person in the world to me.
With you, there is no second best.
There is no one close to even being "second" or "best".
I hold you, alone, in the most intimate place in my heart.
It's a place where I can feel you, still close, when you're far away.
Where I can close my eyes, and hear your voice,
listen to your laugh, and feel your "I Love You"s.
So please, keep calling me in the morning.
Cause second to your kisses,
theres no better alarm clock than your personalized ring.
No better way to begin the day than with you.

I Love You

Just three little words
don't seem like enough
for someone whose smile
still brightens my day,
whose touch can make me forget the rest of the world.
They don't seem like enough
for someone who's always been there
to celebrate with me when everything goes my way
and to hold my hand when my whole world seems to fall apart
But even though "I Love You"
can't express the depth of my feelings for you.
I hope you know what's in my heart.
Because loving you
means more to me than anything in the world
and it always will.

what's the argument?

2005-12-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

oh great. so we need sometime to cool off yea? i'm sick of hearing that already. you're really upsetting me alrite. i din even know you were jus playing around when you said, "nvm. i'll talk to you tmr." OH LIKE I KNEW YOU WERE KIDDING. coz later you said, "haha. you no fun de. can't even cheer me up." whatever. all i knew was that you were angry, so i din wanna irritate you further.
yeah true. the argument here isn't abt keewei, but i dunno why i'm getting so worked up for. guess it's PMS. yeah coming soon. arghhhhH! yeah so what if kw's HOT and PRETTY? like who cares. i'm not even getting uptight or angry or jealous over that FACT. but seriously, what's e argument about???

i really have no idea. I just think that i need some assurance and security.but i don't know... i mean, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, DEBBIE LEONG? oh yes, i think i know. i'm just pissed over e fact that he thought the whole thing to be FUNNY and took it like some joke while i was like so worried and upset on the other side. yeah thanks to technology. stirs up unnecessary disagreements.

wheeEEee. everything's fine now. sunshine after the rain. omg. another stupid argument's coming up. over some believe or dun believe. lie or din lie kinda thing. it's all misintepretation again. oh alrite. all i hope is that such stupid smallie things wun affect us.

ooooh! nice ecard he sent me! hehe. *smiles.smiles.smiles!! wheeeee!! haha. i'm going high again.

many things are running thru my MIND

2005-11-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

i really don't know where to start. firstly, mum has been out of town for the past wk. ohh wait wait. guess wad. linton went out on a movie date with yunting and they caught JustLikeHeaven. cool huh? how ROMANTIC. ooo. i don't know why, but dear diary, i felt that same horrible painful prick i had. it still hurts.it does! oh well. dear diary i guess they're meant for each other yea? =) let's just forget it. and move on...

and on and on i go. Right. so now i'm like gradually falling in love with him. i need time, vince. i really do. but sometimes, i feel really pressured and obliged to follow suit, to give in. nono. this shouldn't be happening. i gotta control the situation. he treats me so really very well. i've never felt so warm and cherished and loved in my life.

It's finally OVER

2005-11-19T01:40:00.000-08:00

A rather interesting and touching short story...

One day an eight-year-old boy went to the pet store with his dad to buy a puppy. The store manager showed them to a pen where five little furry balls huddled together.
After a while, the boy noticed one of the litter all by itself in an adjacent pen.
The boy asked, "why is that puppy all alone?"
The manager explained, "That puppy was born with a bad leg and would be crippled for life, so we're going to have to put him to sleep."
"Your going to kill this little puppy?" the boy said sadly while patting it.
"You have to realize that this puppy would never be able to run and play with a boy like you." the manager explained.
After a short conversation with his boy, the dad told the manager that they wanted to buy the puppy with the bad leg.
"For the same amount of money, you could have one of the 'healthy' ones. Why do you want this one?"
To answer the manager's question, the boy bent over and pulled up the pants on his right leg, exposed the brace underneath and said, "Mister, I want this one because I understand what he's going through."

well well. Finally. it's the END of our Os. hahaha. the feeling's just Superb.Great.Wonderful.=D wheeee! just the thought of sleeping in peace through the starry cool night and taking impromptu dreary afternoon naps make me feel like i've reached paradise. =) feels as if a load has been lifted off my mind...

hey here's another...

Teddy & His Teacher
There is a story many years ago of an elementary teacher. Her name was Mrs. Thompson. And as she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. But that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that hedidn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers. At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file,she was in for a surprise. Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners...he is a joyto be around." His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle." His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard onhim. He tries to do his best but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken." Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class." By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on,and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one her "teacher's pets." A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the bestteacher he ever had in his whole life. Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer-the letter wassigned, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their lastChristmas together. They hugged each, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference." Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."

yeppz. so tt's how teachers are. some teachers will be there to guide you for life, some just step into the classroom, pass on pieces of knowledge and leave. and i've met a few teachers who have truly encouraged me- mrs ram, mdm toh and yang lao shi. thank you teachers=)

Another random story...

The Boy Named Kyle
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he had cleaned out his locker and was loaded down with a stack of books. I thought, “why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd". I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, I saw a tear in his eye. and I said, "Those guys are jerks-They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, “Hey, Thanks!”
There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes. We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him. And my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and "Good grief boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with carrying all those books every day."He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.
Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I went over and smacked him on the back and told him “Hey big guy, you’ll do great, not to worry.
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) “thanks” he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am grateful to be here today, had it not been for one special person that took their time to help me pick up my books one day going home from school…”
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others. Each day is a gift from God, don’t forget to say “thank-you”.

here i am. it's 1.35am and i don't even feel like going to sleep though exams are over. i still can't get over him. yes. lp. oh my oh my.cmon! he has fallen for someone else already. chaiping? sighh. it's okie. i'll get over this, just like i always do. And i've no idea. i'm so vexed. i mean, since i know he's such a jerk, why do i still like him? ohh it's crapp. well, gotta move on with life yea? (",) alritey now. nite nite. tmr'll be a better day, i hope. just looking forward to mon and tues =D

just a lil note to add. yes. i guess tt if he's happier this way, things shall stay this way then=)) *stop thinking of him.

2005-11-07T02:25:00.000-08:00

"I wanted to show you the view from the roof. we could watch the sunrise but sometimes you learn the hard way. I wanted to show you what you look like to me. We could share that memory but someday you might fade away. Just thought I'd let you know cos maybe you'd care, maybe I'd dare to take you away to a better place where maybe the weather's not so cold. I just thought I'd let you know so maybe you'd care and maybe I'd dare to fly you away to a brighter place. where maybe the sands are droplets of gold. I just thought I'd let you know."

credits: worldpeas.blogspot.com

yet another

2005-11-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

the teachers always tell us how the people who mark our exam papers are underpaid, overworked teachers or retired teachers who need a bit of extra money to spend over christmas. then the other day zach told me his friend's friend went to England on holiday and saw a stack of UCLES scripts on the table of a sweet shop or something. the only logical conclusion i can come to is that our future is in shaky hands.here you are studying your brains out and doing your exams to the best of your abilities, applying liquid paper to every crooked line and ugly letter in hopes of producing the best possible script.and sometime from the end of this year to the start of next year, someone will be making little red marks on your papers. the following is a hypothetical situation, and is by no means substantiated, but is worth a thought. this someone cannot care less about how well you do, and would rather be at home, asleep. this someone will mark you down for marginally untidy handwriting he will not try to decipher because he is tired and your answer bores him and who cares about the "melting pot of cultures", i want my pot of hot stew. remember that it is winter and it is cold and anecdotes about the "warm, sunny island paradise" will merely be salt in his wounds. i don't know what else this someone will do or think, but basically he has no reason to put in his full effort for an unknown Singaporean teenager miles away. for all you know he might think Singapore is in China.a few months later you get a laminated sheet (paper i think) with a bunch of tiny words printed on the top with a little picture, and a column of letters, hopefully from A to D, sometimes E, O, F, or U. and that's it.have a nice life.

credits: skyfight.blogspot.com

OH NO. IT'S OUR FIRST PAPER TOMORROW. OLVLS!!!!! AHHHHHHH... SEEEEE YAAAA. i'm seriously going mad. calm down debbie. calm down.

simply amazing.

2005-11-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

it seems like the more knowledge we acquire the more we go against the laws that made our existence possible in the first place. women get educated and stop having babies. we improve technology and increase pollution. i thought we were supposed to be getting smarter. if we go on at this rate the moment we experience ultimate enlightenment would probably be the point of time we experience total extinction.

i always thought that time showed change, but come to think of it, changes show time.we feel a sense of time passing when we see things changing. we see time by witnessing movement- the changing of the positions of the sun in the sky, the ticking of the hands of the clock. i would really like to think of change as a travellator, one that pushes us through the passage of time, rather than being the driving force and we just watching the changes occur.
without change, everything comes to a standstill. thus it means that nothing lasts forever, bcos forever cannot come without change. what's precious are the things that can evolve with time and yet retain the essence of what they stood for in the beginning.

it's ironic how we're always so keen to prove our individualism and yet at the same time spend time and money on personality tests and quizzes that fit us into little boxes with fifty million other random people. those boxes are misleading anyway; they make you assume ppl stay in that box 24/7 and for the rest of their lives. i though self-discovery meant probing into your character and and opening a wider range of options by discovering things you never knew about yourself and not confining yourself in a little box that ppl whom you don't even know put you in.

the thing about 3D objects is that no matter which snapshot angle you look at them from, there will always be a portion that is hidden and you can never see the whole object as an entity from just one angle. i suppose this is what makes them REAL.

a girl who is not flattered by the opposite sex is a girl with CLASS. and i respect that fact.

"so small yet so serious... her esxpression so old; as if a soul centuries old is trapped in a body so young."

stopped at July 2005-
(credits: shermainekoh)