it's been quite some time since i blogged. Been really really busy for the past week ever since the real canoe thing started. It's really taking a toll outta me. Like back to training again. Well, it's good and i do enjoy it, but sometimes i just feel i've really lost the determination or rather, the motivation. And that's bad. I don't know why.
It just seems different from the passion and strife i had for badminton and sports in general. I feel as if i'm training blindly, canoeing without a direection or goal. I've no idea where i'm heading. Especially during today's water training at Kallang- we just kept paddling and paddling and paddling. Yes everyone knows where they're supposed to paddle to, where to stop and all. But i don't. TELL ME. at least i'll be prepared and know where i'm supposed to aim and go for. or tell me how many times we're supposed to go up and down. Can you imagine. I felt so dumb when they were like paddling towards a certain spot, and then to realise we're not stopping there? arghh. It just made me feel like giving up. I've never thought of giving up that easily, especially in SPORTS. WTH happened?! Why? I guess it came to a point of time I just got sick and tired of life, totally.

And now, i'm still trying to make up my mind on whether to go for that IJC cip thingy tmr. I wanna freaking spend time with him. BUT he doesn't give a damn at all. I asked him as i wanted to know if he wanted me to spend time with him tmr and forgo that cip thingy. and thought of doing cip with him. but WTH. He just doesn't like me being with him. Fine. yeahh i get it. I'm willing to give up that full 40hours of cip just to be with you (yes i know that's silly and dumb), but this's what i get from you. I waited for you early in the morning at the bus stop and i can't even get a SMILE from you. And i'm SUPPOSED to UNDERSTAND. understand WHAT. that you're not expected to be there when i needed someone? when i was tired? when i needed someone to talk to? when i just needed some comfort?
I don't know why i'm so afraid of you. You're beginning to step all over me. No not beginning. You already are. Since 3mths back.
Maybe that's cos i'm too afraid i'll lose you, someone i love too much.